Birthday Bash!!!

I know the last few posts have been a little bit on the downer side. So here is a good one. This past weekend was a great weekend.

Little Dude and I celebrated our birthdays! That's right we have the same birthday. I like to think of it as our way of being connected, since I didn't grow him in my belly, just my heart, we still have a special day that connects us. Have I mentioned I completely adore that boy. He has stolen my heart and I don't want it back. He turned 4 and I turned 31.


Birthday twins

There was pizza and cake and carousel rides and presents! He blew out 3 of his 4 candles in one puff then got that last one after that. The smiles on his face and all the attention doted on him just made the day super great. And while it was also my birthday, I am fully aware that this day will never be about me again.


I'll take this piece

That night after we put him to bed, Stuart gave me my birthday present (gift certificate for a massage, I will be using that soon with all the stress up in here) and my card and then lit candles on a piece of birthday cake and sang happy birthday to me. It was sweet and nice and special.

The next day was Father's day so we headed over to my parents for brunch and again I got cards and presents there and another piece of cake (there is no such thing as too much cake, word). Stuart and my dad got father's day cards and it was nice relaxing morning. My brothers enthralled Little Dude and watching them play with him made me realize they will great dads one day and I cannot wait. In the meantime they can practice with Little Dude.


fascinated by his uncles


Uncle Alex the firefighter demonstrating why you should not keep a 9V battery and steel wool together


Please don't fart Uncle Sam, my face is at butt level!


The removable finger trick...classic


These are my brothers and my son :)

Stuart has also lightened up about the adoption and child support arrears. We have started the paperwork and are waiting for my background check to come back. Things are looking up.

Sometimes Revenge is Best Not Served

I forget how therapeutic blogging can be. Life just gets so crazy and busy and blogging gets pushed out. These last few weeks have been less mentally overwhelming because I have spewed my feelings out here. So I hope you are ready for some more…

Stuart and I met with an attorney here in Oregon and it was determined that we should actually file the adoption in Colorado with the attorney Stuart used for custody. Because Little Dude and Stuart have not lived in Oregon for 6 months, Oregon is not considered their home state yet. Also Colorado has all the history regarding this case.

Our belief was that she suddenly was willing to relinquish her rights because she got the wage withholding from her employer and a hefty chunk of her paycheck will start being garnished for her current support order and the arrears she hasn’t paid a penny on. She owes close to $10,000 at this point. With the adoption, her child support obligation ends. Often the forgiving of any arrears is also thrown in as an incentive. We were holding onto that as our trump card in case she wanted to back out suddenly.

We had always intended to go for involuntarily terminating her rights after a year of no contact with Little Dude and no support payments. That process is longer, harder and much more expensive. So the fact that she has said she will voluntarily relinquish her rights so I can adopt Little Dude…is huge. And something we need to jump on.

Stuart however is angry, very angry toward her. And rightfully so. He is pissed he was hardly ever allowed to have contact with Little Dude, and that BM used him for every cent she could get out of him. He is pissed over the drug exposure she did to Little Dude and her denial of any responsibility for his delays and drug exposure. He is pissed. He was happy that finally a wage withholding was put in place and there is a potential to get a check or two. Since she is on 5 years probation for her felony drug conviction, a condition of her probation is maintaining employment. There is potential for some checks.

She is asking for her arrears to be forgiven. Stuart says NO DEAL. It makes me so angry. And breaks my heart. He is so hung up on making her “pay” for everything. He is determined to get his retribution, that he is potentially screwing me over and my desire to adopt Little Dude. Making him legally my son.
She is a drug addict. She has fried her brain and in her own messed up way, she knows that Little Dude is better off with us than he was with her. She knows. But what parent wants to admit they fail at life and parenting. That they aren’t fit to raise their children? No one. And she sure as hell will never admit that to Stuart. He keeps saying she got away with everything…except she is paying the ultimate price, she is losing her child for good. She is giving up her son. And while I despise her, I know she loves him. But she isn’t healthy for Little Dude.

I am so angry at Stuart right now I can’t even go home. He needs to let go of his vendetta. She is a drug addict who has lost her child, lives in a crappy pay by the week motel, and works part time as a waitress. Her life is far from glamorous. We have already “won”, we have Little Dude.

It causes my heart to ache and my eyes to well up with tears thinking that we are so close to what we have wanted since the beginning. And now Stuart is the obstacle I have to overcome.

Adoption

Stuart and I are meeting with an adoption attorney this morning.

BM sent Stuart a text the other day (yes a text) saying she wanted to relinquish her parental rights and to have his attorney draw up the paperwork. I was shocked. We had planned to get her rights involuntarily terminated in Jan for abandonment of Little Dude. But here she is offering them up now.

I am hopeful and terrified at the same time. She never makes anything easy and I worry she will change her mind at the last minute. I can tell I am anxious because I am not sleeping well and I can't seem to focus. I want to be Little Dude's mother. His legal mother, I know I am already his mommy. I want BM completely out of the picture in regards to Little Dude.

Maybe this is her wedding gift to us or her birthday gift to Little Dude. I don't know, but I just hope it goes smoothly and quickly.

Wish us luck!

Not a Bridezilla

I was doing my normal morning routine of reading all the blogs I follow and I came across Sara’s blog about Bridzillas…

I have only ever watched that show on accident once or twice. I say accident because I didn’t intentionally tune in to the show, but once you start to watch an episode you just can’t turn it off. I think those women are insane and need some serious professional help! I am amazed they not only found someone who was willing to propose, but then after the craziness they exhibit as bridezillas was STILL willing to marry them. Also, I detest hearing brides say "it is MY day". Shouldn't it be "our day"? You can't have a wedding without another person. This is also a day of celebration for the groom.

If anyone ever spoke to me or treated me the way these women treat their friends and the man they claim to love…it would be so over. I would be gone so fast all you would see would be smoke where I used to be standing.

I am currently planning a wedding. The big day is July 8th…five weeks from Sunday. While I do find it somewhat stressful, trying to get all the details in place, finalizing all the last minute things, I do not in anyway consider myself a bridezilla. In fact overall I think I am a pretty laid back bride.

1. The wedding day is one day. It is not the marriage. The marriage is where the real work is and one “perfect” day will in no way guarantee an easy, bump free marriage. (FYI those marriages don’t exist).
2. People are coming to celebrate our marriage. Not my flower choices or bridesmaid dresses, etc.
3. Something ALWAYS goes wrong on the wedding day. I want to have a good time, not be stressed over stupid details.

I have my dress picked out, I got it at a bridal showcase for $250 and with alterations it comes out to about $400 total, my favors are lollipops, my flowers are being bought wholesale and my friends and I are creating the bouquets, I want the cake to taste good not be a work of art no one wants to ruin. I told my bridesmaids to pick a dress they liked and felt comfortable in, I just want them all the same color (jade) and in satin fabric so the dye comes out the same. I don’t want to force my friends to wear a dress that they are uncomfortable in and that while flattering on one body type is horrendous on another. Their shoes…whatever they want, preferably in black and something they already own or would wear again makes the most sense.

We found out the best man is not able to make the wedding. I didn’t dissolve into hysterics. I just said ok, that sucks but now we need to cancel his tux. Our Little Dude and the daughter of my really good friend are the ring bearer and flower girl. I joke about whether or not they will make it down the aisle. I honestly doubt they will without a few detours and encouragement along the way. And you know what…it will be funny. I will laugh about it because they are kids doing what kids do.

My day will be perfect because I am marrying a man I love and I will be celebrating with friends and family. It will be fun, not choreographed to the max.

A wedding is one day. A marriage is what it is all really about and where the real effort has to be put in. I am looking forward to my wedding day, but I am excited about my marriage.

Just tired

I am getting married in 5 weeks. I am overwhelmed and I feel slightly alone. Stuart and I have been bickering, money is tight (when isn’t it) and we all know money is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. Plus juggling his cognitive rehab appts* and Little Dude’s therapies for speech, physical and behavior.

There is the legal stuff going on with BM. She continues to fail to pay ANY child support and has not had contact with Little Dude since Easter and that was only a minute long conversation. Prior to that she talked at him on the phone at the beginning of January…honestly I am glad she has basically dropped off the face of the earth.

Yesterday we received some news regarding the child support case and why it has not been enforced as of yet. While Stuart has a court order for child support (which BM is in contempt of for failure to pay or keep Stuart informed of her contact info), his support order has not been being enforced because apparently you have to request that it be enforced. While at work I get this barrage of texts from him saying everything is all crap now and the contempt issue probably null and void and his final orders don’t mean anything, etc.

I have a stressful job, I was in an all day training out of town that was stressful and draining and I just couldn’t handle the dramatics at home as well. I don’t understand why he jumped to such an extreme view point. When I got home from work he accused me of ignoring him and acting as if he wasn’t there. I was doing what I ALWAYS do when I get home after we eat dinner and put Little Dude to bed, I was checking crackbook and reading my emails (I hadn’t had computer access all day while in training). My day had started at 6am and I didn’t even get home until 6:30pm.

Before the text messages started yesterday I was looking forward to getting home, relaxing, messing around on the computer, and then spending some time with Stuart just hanging out and decompressing. Instead we had a bitchfest, he went to bed at 8pm and I went out back to water the garden and just get away from it all.

Little Dude has been sick and cranky all week and last night he woke up from a nightmare or something screaming and crying and spent the night in our bed. Lack of sleep and already stressed out when I went to bed…make today more difficult than usual.

I am tired and I am stressed. These next few weeks are crazy busy with wedding planning activities and getting all the final touches completed. I don’t really know what the point of this post was besides to just get crap out of my head and off my shoulders for a little bit. And to let you all know I am still alive over here.

*Stuart was in a car accident in 2007 where he was rear ended while sitting at a red light by a woman who claims to have fallen asleep at the wheel. He suffered frontal and left temporal lobe damage in his brain. This means he constantly fatigued and has memory issues and organization issues.

It’s a Date

It’s February, seriously I blinked and January disappeared! In two short weeks that feels like an eternity, I fly to Colorado help Stuart finish packing up his junk (um I mean really important stuff) and then the 21^st me and Little Dude will board a plane and come home to Oregon. Stuart will follow the next and drive over with his car packed and his cat terrified under the seat.  And by the end of the month my family will be all together and we will no longer be long distance, having family dinner over skype.

I am so very excited! Also Stuart and I have set a date for the big day!

But along with Stuart’s big move, the baby mama drama has escalated. And her family has come in swinging. And by swinging I mean name calling, because honestly what else can they do.  According to them Stuart is an evil monster and they cannot wait to tell Little Dude what an “evil cruel piece of crap his father is” (direct quote).

While I hate the very air BM breathes and honestly I would not shed a tear if she left this earth…I would NEVER say anything negative about her in front of or around Little Dude.  BM is part of what made Little Dude, and I never want him to think there is something wrong with him because his birth mother failed so completely at life.  Her whole entire family is embroiled in drugs and in legal trouble, yet they all feel they are better suited to raise him than his father…who has never done drugs, been in legal trouble, and has actually done things to help his son catch up from all the delays created by BM’s drug use. 

I love that little boy so much and I cannot wait to be his mommy everyday. I am sure there will be times when I will think “what have I gotten myself into”, but that is part of parenting. I want to show him what a real mother looks like and what unconditional love looks like.  I also cannot wait for Stuart to be here, for us to be a family. And having several states between us and the crazies will be so nice.

And then…

Holy shitballs, Batman! It’s December. Not only is it December, it’s the middle of freaking December! GAH!

So last I posted I wrote about how I was feeling depressed. You should all be happy to know that several IRL friends who also read my blog reached out and encouraged me to contact the dr. Which I did, the next day and set up an appointment for the following week. Promptly after scheduling that appointment I found myself in the ER with excruciating stomach pain, on a Friday.

It hurt to breathe, I couldn’t eat, there was no way to get comfortable and lessen the pain. So I googled my symptoms (always a super awesome idea…not) and determined it was my gallbladder.  In the ER when the nurse was taking my vitals I mentioned that I diagnosed myself with gallstones and came in for a second opinion.  Even in pain, I am hilarious.  Turns out, I was right. I was admitted to the hospital after about 7 hours in the ER and had my gallbladder removed the following day.  Best part, my parents had just left a few days before for an anniversary trip to New Orleans and my middle brother and his wife were away in Costa Rica.

My youngest brother if you ask him will tell you he held this family together during the entire ordeal. Big head much? When I called to tell him I was in the ER and going to be admitted and have my gallbladder removed, he asked if people died from this and I told him no (I mean yes, I am sure some have, but this is one of the most commonly done surgical procedures).  He said, “Cool, I have to go interview for this job and then I will come see you. Don’t die before I get there, that would suck.” My family is awesome on so many levels! Haha.

Also, when you leave a sobbing voicemail for your bff on her work phone about how you are in the ER and you just want someone to know because your family is out of town…she will leave work and come spend hours with you in the ER and hospital. She will also clean your house, do your dishes and change your sheets so you don’t have to worry about any of that when you get discharged on Sunday. Amazing, right?

The Wednesday after surgery I found myself at my primary care physician’s office, crying because I still hurt and just felt so overwhelmed.  I now the happy camper on antidepressants. Yea! And feeling so much better.

I went to Colorado several times to see Stuart and Little Dude. When I went in Oct it was for final orders in the custody battle. Stuart won! He was granted sole full custody of Little Dude and BM is only allowed supervised visits. Also, Stuart is allowed to relocate to Oregon. They should be here permanently by the end of February. YEA!!!!!

For Thanksgiving, Stuart and Little Dude came out here. It was Little Dude’s first plane ride and he did awesome. He thought the flying truck had funny seatbelts though. While the were out here, I met Stuart’s family and he met mine…at a big dinner at my parents’ house the night before Thanksgiving.  That wasn’t nerve wrecking at all…pssh yeah right!  It actually went really well and everyone had a great time.  Little Dude was doted on by everyone so he had a super fabulous time.

AND…the biggest news of all…Stuart asked me to marry him and I said YES! I am so incredibly happy. I cannot wait for my little family to be all together. Oh and I may already have my dress