Birthday Bash!!!

I know the last few posts have been a little bit on the downer side. So here is a good one. This past weekend was a great weekend.

Little Dude and I celebrated our birthdays! That's right we have the same birthday. I like to think of it as our way of being connected, since I didn't grow him in my belly, just my heart, we still have a special day that connects us. Have I mentioned I completely adore that boy. He has stolen my heart and I don't want it back. He turned 4 and I turned 31.


Birthday twins

There was pizza and cake and carousel rides and presents! He blew out 3 of his 4 candles in one puff then got that last one after that. The smiles on his face and all the attention doted on him just made the day super great. And while it was also my birthday, I am fully aware that this day will never be about me again.


I'll take this piece

That night after we put him to bed, Stuart gave me my birthday present (gift certificate for a massage, I will be using that soon with all the stress up in here) and my card and then lit candles on a piece of birthday cake and sang happy birthday to me. It was sweet and nice and special.

The next day was Father's day so we headed over to my parents for brunch and again I got cards and presents there and another piece of cake (there is no such thing as too much cake, word). Stuart and my dad got father's day cards and it was nice relaxing morning. My brothers enthralled Little Dude and watching them play with him made me realize they will great dads one day and I cannot wait. In the meantime they can practice with Little Dude.


fascinated by his uncles


Uncle Alex the firefighter demonstrating why you should not keep a 9V battery and steel wool together


Please don't fart Uncle Sam, my face is at butt level!


The removable finger trick...classic


These are my brothers and my son :)

Stuart has also lightened up about the adoption and child support arrears. We have started the paperwork and are waiting for my background check to come back. Things are looking up.

Sometimes Revenge is Best Not Served

I forget how therapeutic blogging can be. Life just gets so crazy and busy and blogging gets pushed out. These last few weeks have been less mentally overwhelming because I have spewed my feelings out here. So I hope you are ready for some more…

Stuart and I met with an attorney here in Oregon and it was determined that we should actually file the adoption in Colorado with the attorney Stuart used for custody. Because Little Dude and Stuart have not lived in Oregon for 6 months, Oregon is not considered their home state yet. Also Colorado has all the history regarding this case.

Our belief was that she suddenly was willing to relinquish her rights because she got the wage withholding from her employer and a hefty chunk of her paycheck will start being garnished for her current support order and the arrears she hasn’t paid a penny on. She owes close to $10,000 at this point. With the adoption, her child support obligation ends. Often the forgiving of any arrears is also thrown in as an incentive. We were holding onto that as our trump card in case she wanted to back out suddenly.

We had always intended to go for involuntarily terminating her rights after a year of no contact with Little Dude and no support payments. That process is longer, harder and much more expensive. So the fact that she has said she will voluntarily relinquish her rights so I can adopt Little Dude…is huge. And something we need to jump on.

Stuart however is angry, very angry toward her. And rightfully so. He is pissed he was hardly ever allowed to have contact with Little Dude, and that BM used him for every cent she could get out of him. He is pissed over the drug exposure she did to Little Dude and her denial of any responsibility for his delays and drug exposure. He is pissed. He was happy that finally a wage withholding was put in place and there is a potential to get a check or two. Since she is on 5 years probation for her felony drug conviction, a condition of her probation is maintaining employment. There is potential for some checks.

She is asking for her arrears to be forgiven. Stuart says NO DEAL. It makes me so angry. And breaks my heart. He is so hung up on making her “pay” for everything. He is determined to get his retribution, that he is potentially screwing me over and my desire to adopt Little Dude. Making him legally my son.
She is a drug addict. She has fried her brain and in her own messed up way, she knows that Little Dude is better off with us than he was with her. She knows. But what parent wants to admit they fail at life and parenting. That they aren’t fit to raise their children? No one. And she sure as hell will never admit that to Stuart. He keeps saying she got away with everything…except she is paying the ultimate price, she is losing her child for good. She is giving up her son. And while I despise her, I know she loves him. But she isn’t healthy for Little Dude.

I am so angry at Stuart right now I can’t even go home. He needs to let go of his vendetta. She is a drug addict who has lost her child, lives in a crappy pay by the week motel, and works part time as a waitress. Her life is far from glamorous. We have already “won”, we have Little Dude.

It causes my heart to ache and my eyes to well up with tears thinking that we are so close to what we have wanted since the beginning. And now Stuart is the obstacle I have to overcome.

Adoption

Stuart and I are meeting with an adoption attorney this morning.

BM sent Stuart a text the other day (yes a text) saying she wanted to relinquish her parental rights and to have his attorney draw up the paperwork. I was shocked. We had planned to get her rights involuntarily terminated in Jan for abandonment of Little Dude. But here she is offering them up now.

I am hopeful and terrified at the same time. She never makes anything easy and I worry she will change her mind at the last minute. I can tell I am anxious because I am not sleeping well and I can't seem to focus. I want to be Little Dude's mother. His legal mother, I know I am already his mommy. I want BM completely out of the picture in regards to Little Dude.

Maybe this is her wedding gift to us or her birthday gift to Little Dude. I don't know, but I just hope it goes smoothly and quickly.

Wish us luck!

Not a Bridezilla

I was doing my normal morning routine of reading all the blogs I follow and I came across Sara’s blog about Bridzillas…

I have only ever watched that show on accident once or twice. I say accident because I didn’t intentionally tune in to the show, but once you start to watch an episode you just can’t turn it off. I think those women are insane and need some serious professional help! I am amazed they not only found someone who was willing to propose, but then after the craziness they exhibit as bridezillas was STILL willing to marry them. Also, I detest hearing brides say "it is MY day". Shouldn't it be "our day"? You can't have a wedding without another person. This is also a day of celebration for the groom.

If anyone ever spoke to me or treated me the way these women treat their friends and the man they claim to love…it would be so over. I would be gone so fast all you would see would be smoke where I used to be standing.

I am currently planning a wedding. The big day is July 8th…five weeks from Sunday. While I do find it somewhat stressful, trying to get all the details in place, finalizing all the last minute things, I do not in anyway consider myself a bridezilla. In fact overall I think I am a pretty laid back bride.

1. The wedding day is one day. It is not the marriage. The marriage is where the real work is and one “perfect” day will in no way guarantee an easy, bump free marriage. (FYI those marriages don’t exist).
2. People are coming to celebrate our marriage. Not my flower choices or bridesmaid dresses, etc.
3. Something ALWAYS goes wrong on the wedding day. I want to have a good time, not be stressed over stupid details.

I have my dress picked out, I got it at a bridal showcase for $250 and with alterations it comes out to about $400 total, my favors are lollipops, my flowers are being bought wholesale and my friends and I are creating the bouquets, I want the cake to taste good not be a work of art no one wants to ruin. I told my bridesmaids to pick a dress they liked and felt comfortable in, I just want them all the same color (jade) and in satin fabric so the dye comes out the same. I don’t want to force my friends to wear a dress that they are uncomfortable in and that while flattering on one body type is horrendous on another. Their shoes…whatever they want, preferably in black and something they already own or would wear again makes the most sense.

We found out the best man is not able to make the wedding. I didn’t dissolve into hysterics. I just said ok, that sucks but now we need to cancel his tux. Our Little Dude and the daughter of my really good friend are the ring bearer and flower girl. I joke about whether or not they will make it down the aisle. I honestly doubt they will without a few detours and encouragement along the way. And you know what…it will be funny. I will laugh about it because they are kids doing what kids do.

My day will be perfect because I am marrying a man I love and I will be celebrating with friends and family. It will be fun, not choreographed to the max.

A wedding is one day. A marriage is what it is all really about and where the real effort has to be put in. I am looking forward to my wedding day, but I am excited about my marriage.

Just tired

I am getting married in 5 weeks. I am overwhelmed and I feel slightly alone. Stuart and I have been bickering, money is tight (when isn’t it) and we all know money is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. Plus juggling his cognitive rehab appts* and Little Dude’s therapies for speech, physical and behavior.

There is the legal stuff going on with BM. She continues to fail to pay ANY child support and has not had contact with Little Dude since Easter and that was only a minute long conversation. Prior to that she talked at him on the phone at the beginning of January…honestly I am glad she has basically dropped off the face of the earth.

Yesterday we received some news regarding the child support case and why it has not been enforced as of yet. While Stuart has a court order for child support (which BM is in contempt of for failure to pay or keep Stuart informed of her contact info), his support order has not been being enforced because apparently you have to request that it be enforced. While at work I get this barrage of texts from him saying everything is all crap now and the contempt issue probably null and void and his final orders don’t mean anything, etc.

I have a stressful job, I was in an all day training out of town that was stressful and draining and I just couldn’t handle the dramatics at home as well. I don’t understand why he jumped to such an extreme view point. When I got home from work he accused me of ignoring him and acting as if he wasn’t there. I was doing what I ALWAYS do when I get home after we eat dinner and put Little Dude to bed, I was checking crackbook and reading my emails (I hadn’t had computer access all day while in training). My day had started at 6am and I didn’t even get home until 6:30pm.

Before the text messages started yesterday I was looking forward to getting home, relaxing, messing around on the computer, and then spending some time with Stuart just hanging out and decompressing. Instead we had a bitchfest, he went to bed at 8pm and I went out back to water the garden and just get away from it all.

Little Dude has been sick and cranky all week and last night he woke up from a nightmare or something screaming and crying and spent the night in our bed. Lack of sleep and already stressed out when I went to bed…make today more difficult than usual.

I am tired and I am stressed. These next few weeks are crazy busy with wedding planning activities and getting all the final touches completed. I don’t really know what the point of this post was besides to just get crap out of my head and off my shoulders for a little bit. And to let you all know I am still alive over here.

*Stuart was in a car accident in 2007 where he was rear ended while sitting at a red light by a woman who claims to have fallen asleep at the wheel. He suffered frontal and left temporal lobe damage in his brain. This means he constantly fatigued and has memory issues and organization issues.

It’s a Date

It’s February, seriously I blinked and January disappeared! In two short weeks that feels like an eternity, I fly to Colorado help Stuart finish packing up his junk (um I mean really important stuff) and then the 21^st me and Little Dude will board a plane and come home to Oregon. Stuart will follow the next and drive over with his car packed and his cat terrified under the seat.  And by the end of the month my family will be all together and we will no longer be long distance, having family dinner over skype.

I am so very excited! Also Stuart and I have set a date for the big day!

But along with Stuart’s big move, the baby mama drama has escalated. And her family has come in swinging. And by swinging I mean name calling, because honestly what else can they do.  According to them Stuart is an evil monster and they cannot wait to tell Little Dude what an “evil cruel piece of crap his father is” (direct quote).

While I hate the very air BM breathes and honestly I would not shed a tear if she left this earth…I would NEVER say anything negative about her in front of or around Little Dude.  BM is part of what made Little Dude, and I never want him to think there is something wrong with him because his birth mother failed so completely at life.  Her whole entire family is embroiled in drugs and in legal trouble, yet they all feel they are better suited to raise him than his father…who has never done drugs, been in legal trouble, and has actually done things to help his son catch up from all the delays created by BM’s drug use. 

I love that little boy so much and I cannot wait to be his mommy everyday. I am sure there will be times when I will think “what have I gotten myself into”, but that is part of parenting. I want to show him what a real mother looks like and what unconditional love looks like.  I also cannot wait for Stuart to be here, for us to be a family. And having several states between us and the crazies will be so nice.

And then…

Holy shitballs, Batman! It’s December. Not only is it December, it’s the middle of freaking December! GAH!

So last I posted I wrote about how I was feeling depressed. You should all be happy to know that several IRL friends who also read my blog reached out and encouraged me to contact the dr. Which I did, the next day and set up an appointment for the following week. Promptly after scheduling that appointment I found myself in the ER with excruciating stomach pain, on a Friday.

It hurt to breathe, I couldn’t eat, there was no way to get comfortable and lessen the pain. So I googled my symptoms (always a super awesome idea…not) and determined it was my gallbladder.  In the ER when the nurse was taking my vitals I mentioned that I diagnosed myself with gallstones and came in for a second opinion.  Even in pain, I am hilarious.  Turns out, I was right. I was admitted to the hospital after about 7 hours in the ER and had my gallbladder removed the following day.  Best part, my parents had just left a few days before for an anniversary trip to New Orleans and my middle brother and his wife were away in Costa Rica.

My youngest brother if you ask him will tell you he held this family together during the entire ordeal. Big head much? When I called to tell him I was in the ER and going to be admitted and have my gallbladder removed, he asked if people died from this and I told him no (I mean yes, I am sure some have, but this is one of the most commonly done surgical procedures).  He said, “Cool, I have to go interview for this job and then I will come see you. Don’t die before I get there, that would suck.” My family is awesome on so many levels! Haha.

Also, when you leave a sobbing voicemail for your bff on her work phone about how you are in the ER and you just want someone to know because your family is out of town…she will leave work and come spend hours with you in the ER and hospital. She will also clean your house, do your dishes and change your sheets so you don’t have to worry about any of that when you get discharged on Sunday. Amazing, right?

The Wednesday after surgery I found myself at my primary care physician’s office, crying because I still hurt and just felt so overwhelmed.  I now the happy camper on antidepressants. Yea! And feeling so much better.

I went to Colorado several times to see Stuart and Little Dude. When I went in Oct it was for final orders in the custody battle. Stuart won! He was granted sole full custody of Little Dude and BM is only allowed supervised visits. Also, Stuart is allowed to relocate to Oregon. They should be here permanently by the end of February. YEA!!!!!

For Thanksgiving, Stuart and Little Dude came out here. It was Little Dude’s first plane ride and he did awesome. He thought the flying truck had funny seatbelts though. While the were out here, I met Stuart’s family and he met mine…at a big dinner at my parents’ house the night before Thanksgiving.  That wasn’t nerve wrecking at all…pssh yeah right!  It actually went really well and everyone had a great time.  Little Dude was doted on by everyone so he had a super fabulous time.

AND…the biggest news of all…Stuart asked me to marry him and I said YES! I am so incredibly happy. I cannot wait for my little family to be all together. Oh and I may already have my dress

That bitch called depression

Sometimes the effort it takes to get out of bed in the morning is overwhelming. I want to stay in bed and just sleep the days away. Except, when I’m in bed I can’t sleep. All I do is toss and turn and watch the clock. The urge to burst into tears is always there. The slightest push and full on tears will be pouring down my cheeks.

It feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on me. I smile and laugh and put on a happy face (or at least try) when I am at work or with friends. But it’s an act. I feel alone, yet have no desire to make the effort to be around people.

I am stressed to the max. I took a stress test recently and my stress rating was 463.

150 – 199: Represents mild life stress
200 – 299: Represents moderate life stress
300+ : Represents major life stresses, and a strong possibility of presenting stress symptoms.

Again, my number was 463! And you know what my stress symptom is…depression. I am apathetic and ambivalent. I am depressed. And I feel guilty for being depressed. Yes, I'm stressed, but I have a lot of great things going on in my life too. It feels selfish to be depressed and sad, when I should be happy and grateful. Yet I know depression isn't my fault, but the guilt is there none the less.

The last time I felt like this I was in college taking 20+ credits a semester, trying to get two completely unrelated bachelors (a science degree and a liberal arts degree) in four years, and an uber stressful living situation. Along with being involved in campus life and all my other extracurricular activities and working. I did something about it. I got on antidepressants and started talking to a counselor. I took care of myself and I was able to feel “normal” again.

Here I am almost a decade later and the demons have come back. I feel the same as I did then and I feel just as helpless. I need to talk to a Dr and most likely get on antidepressants again. I have a family history of depression and I know it is a chemical imbalance that is only being exacerbated by stress. I disliked how I felt on antidepressants last time, but they did help, and there are different options available these days. I hate the thought of being “dependent” on a pill to feel normal again. I know what I need to do, the hardest part is finding the strength and energy to make the appointment and go. When really I just want to go home and crawl under the covers.

***For the record, I do not have feelings of wanting to hurt myself. I don't think I would be better off dead. I am not a danger to myself.***

Little Dude

I took a blogging hiatus. Obviously…

At the end of May beginning of June my world exploded into crazy. Work, always stressful. Money, never enough. Falling more in love with a wonderful man, amazing! Having my heart stolen by his adorable son, precious. Finding out that precious little boy tested positive for meth, earth shattering. Helping Stuart fight for and get sole custody (temporary until Oct and it’s made official), worth every sleepless night, stress headache, and tear shed.

Today is 8 weeks that Little Dude has been with his daddy and away from his drugged out mother. In 8 weeks he has gone from a sickly, underweight, scared baby to a happy, talkative, healthy little boy. In those 8 weeks he has thrived (he’s grown a whole inch!). Everyone talks about how happy he seems and carefree. A 3 year old should always appear happy and carefree. They shouldn’t be screaming and crying and making themselves vomit when they have to go back to their mother’s at the end of the weekend. At 3 life is supposed to be easy. There should not be anxiety attacks when you are 3. And at 3, a child should definitely not be mimicking smoking a bong or meth pipe.

I never thought I could despise someone as much as I despise BM (baby mama). Knowing what she has done to her son…she is supposed to be the one keeping him safe, instead she is the one inflicting the damage. Never once has she even acknowledged that her son tested positive for meth, never once. It is always about blaming someone else. Even once her own drug test came back, positive for meth, ecstasy, and marijuana, she still said Stuart (whose test was clean) was the one who gave Little Dude the drugs.

I don’t know what her delusional fantasyland is like, but I am happy to not live there with her. And more importantly, neither does Little Dude.

Oct seems so faraway, when the final orders will be decided. But it will be here before I know it. I get worried that something might go wrong and somehow she will be allowed to get him back. It terrifies me. Then I have to remind myself that she is the drug user, she is the one whose entire family has drug histories and trouble with the law, she is the one who misses court dates and important meetings with people who have a big say in the outcome (Child Family Investigator), she is the one who doesn’t always make her nightly phone calls and then makes up lame excuses as to why, she is the one who misses appointments with CASA to start her supervised visits. She is the one who is shooting herself in the foot and ensuring she never has custody of her son again.

For Little Dude’s sake I hope that one day she is able to get herself together and her act cleaned up and be a part of his life. But for now I am happy with her being as far away from him as possible.

And now I leave you with a picture of a happy 3 year old, chilling in his self made ball pit with some books and a puzzle:

Life

This last Thursday I turned 30.  The big 3-0.  I have entered a completely new decade. I am not bothered by this new age.  And I think it is because I am in a good place.  I have a home, a job I like well enough, and am in a relationship with a man I am head over heels in love with.  Because I am content getting older doesn’t bother me.

I am so completely happy.  My life is going in the direction I want it to.  This new decade is going to be full of greatness.  I believe I will be getting married and becoming a parent. My life is changing so drastically and I am excited about it all.

These two boys have stolen my heart. I love them both.

Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom

My mom, pregnant with me when she was 29 (my age now).  I was her first baby and am her only daughter.  I hope I can be half the mom she is to my own children.  The road has not always been easy, but she helped shape me into the woman I am today.

People tell me all the time I look like my mother. Isn’t she beautiful?! I am honored to look like her.

Happy Mother’s Day to the best mom I could have ever asked for!  I love you!

My Neon Sign

Sometimes life does give you a big giant neon sign that let’s you know you are where you’re supposed to be and doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Reconnecting with Stuart is one of those neon signs for me. There are just too many coincidences for this to not be where I supposed to be.

We reconnected on New Year’s Eve. Coincidence? I think not. It was the beginning of a new year and I was definitely ready for a new start, something new in my life. It all started with a silly Facebook status update. I was taking a Wii bowling break and checking my FB (it’s my crack, I admit it) (you’re totally jealous of my New Year’s partying) and there in my newsfeed was a status update from Stuart (who hadn’t updated his status since the previous May…obviously he is not as addicted to Facecrack as I am). It was one of those stupid statuses that are making the rounds, “If we woke up in jail together, using only 4 words what would you say?” I was compelled to comment. So being me, I posted, “I hid the body.” ‘Cause that is how *I* roll!

A little bit later I get an alert that I have a new message on FB. It was from Stuart, saying thanks for having his back in the body hiding and what had I been up to lately. We have been talking every single day for hours since then. He even texted me a midnight kiss that night because he knew I didn’t have one lined up :)

He lives in Colorado and I live in Oregon. Obviously we have some obstacles to work through. But I am already starting my campaign to get him back to Oregon. He is from here and his parents and brother all live here…plus ME! Hello! He makes me smile everyday. He has listened to me cry ugly unpretty tears over the sudden untimely death of a friend. He does things simply because he knows it will make me happy and bring a smile to my face.

He bought me a ticket to visit him in Colorado in Feb. My entire visit was so great. Even though we had never met in person before, there was no awkwardness or weirdness. Everything felt right. He was where I was supposed to be (cue sappy “awwww” music). He was waiting with flowers for me at the airport, beautiful flowers that he helped me wrap up so they could even make the trip home to Oregon with me. He held my hand and told me I was beautiful every single day I was there and he does it everyday still. Every door was opened for me and he refused to let me pay for anything.

He makes me happy. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to overlook him for so many years (3+). How did we not connect like this before. And I realize that the distance is what scared me and kept me from even considering starting a relationship with him. While I am not that much older now (I will soon be entering my 30’s which makes me automatically wiser) I have grown a lot in the last few years. I am no longer scared of the distance. Yes, it is inconvenient, but not insurmountable. We already have my next visit there planned and are working on his visit here this summer.

I also think blogging has helped me be less afraid of opening up to people I have only known online. I realize that I have friendships with some amazing bloggers and I have never even met any of them in person. Why can’t I have a relationship with a man who I have only met in person once? I can. While it is hard sometimes when I have a long day and just want a hug, I also think that Stuart and I REALLY talk. We talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I do try to stay realistic. I am not making plans at the moment to uproot my whole life to run off with a man. I know that one day when we do live in the same state, let alone the same town, it will be an adjustment. There will be things that he does that annoy the shit out of me. But I am not always the easiest person to live with either and God help him if he loads the dishwasher the wrong way ;) All relationships take work and sometimes being in a long distance relationship takes a little extra work.

For now, I am happy.

Stuart

This is the face of the man I am going to marry one day. This is Stuart.

The Oldest

I watched him pace.  I watched him crack jokes and support his younger brother and mom.  I watched him walk down the hall, alone, where he could sit by himself around the corner out of sight…maybe to cry, maybe to just to recharge his reserves so he could be strong for the others.  All while we waited and waited and waited.  Hoping and praying his youngest brother would pull through this.  Hoping against all odds that this would be a story we laugh about and tease his brother about.  Waiting in vain.

As the oldest we are supposed to pave the road.  We are supposed to tell our younger siblings what to do and how to do it.  We aren’t supposed to watch, helpless, as our 33 year old baby brother fights to survive and loses that battle in less than 48 short hours.

I wasn’t in the ICU waiting room for him, I was there to support my friend as she waited to see the outcome of her boyfriend/best friend/lover’s fight to survive this surprise attack on his body from the inside.  I was there to help her through the night, to make sure she wasn’t alone.  But he caught my eye.  He drew my attention.

Him and I, both the oldest with two younger brothers.  I could empathize with him.  I knew what I would be feeling, what I would believe my role to be in this horror film if it was my baby brother in the ICU.  He was the one who got the phone call from their dad saying he would not be coming to the hospital and passed this upsetting information along to everyone else.

At one point, someone mentioned how much Dave looked like him.  His automatic response, “No, he looks like ME.”  It made me smile.  How many times have I said this exact thing when someone comments on the resemblance between my youngest brother and me?  We’re the oldest, they look like us because we were here first.

We were here first so in theory we should be the ones to go first.  My heart breaks for him and his family and my dear friend Amber who all lost someone very special.  It happened so suddenly and the tragic end came so quickly.

The few short days you have been gone feel like weeks.  You are missed so so much Dave.  You were and always will be greatly loved.

Ice is one mean mofo

Here is a great piece of advice from me to you…we don’t bounce like we used to as children.  When we fall, we fall hard, and we can’t get up.

A few weeks ago I was over at my friend’s house for the big championship game between Auburn and Oregon.  I was born and raised in Eugene, I am a huge Oregon Duck fan!  My friend who was having the party…Auburn alum.  Sadly my Ducks lost, but it was a fun game and I had a great time hanging out with friends.

Me and M (my friend’s daughter). M is rocking her Tiger bib. I am pretty sure she is going “This is what the Tigers are going to do to the Ducks, GRRRR”

It was after the game as I was attempting to head home that the incident occurred.  It was cold and late and ice was covering the ground.  I started to walk down the steps to the driveway and I said over my shoulder to Jen, “Careful, these steps are icy.”

Next thing I know, my arms are flailing and I am going down.  My feet literally slipped out from under me.  I land hard on my back, one step hitting me across my bra strap and shoulder blade and another makes contact with my left hip.  It was brutal.  I think if I had landed more on my side I would have cracked a rib or two.  I manage to get up and am doubled over trying to get air back into my lungs.  Jen keeps asking, “Are you okay? Are you okay?”  All I could do was wheeze as I tried to suck in air.  Once I could finally get a breath I looked at her with tears streaming down my face and said, “See, I told you they were icy.” Then we both started laughing hysterically.

My left hip, two days later.  Photo taken by Jen…in the sickroom at work, we totally started rumors as we walked out together That’s how we roll!

I went to the doctor the next day because my neck was bothering me so much and I wanted to make sure I hadn’t seriously injured myself.  Turns out I simply strained a neck muscle when I jerked my head as I fell to prevent it from being smacked into the ground. Awesome.

So take it from me kids, we don’t bounce like we used to when we were little.  I am in the home stretch to my 30th birthday and my body is not a fan of being thrown down the stairs.  I was sore for a week and walking funny.  There is only one reason I want to be walking funny and it ain’t ‘cause I fell down some stairs!

Don't Waste The Pretty

Remember how I mentioned that I met a boy who made me smile? Well right now he isn’t making me smile. In fact he is kind of pissing me off!

We chatted over email/yahoo messenger/text everyday all day for almost two weeks. He lives in a town about 45 mins away and with our work schedules and stuff it was hard to coordinate a time to meet up. Finally we found a time the worked for both of us. Last Thursday, the eve before Christmas Eve.

The plan was for him to come down after work and we would go out to dinner and see how things went. Neither of us had to work the next day so it wouldn’t feel rushed or cut off because it was getting late.

Well, we hit it off, we chatted, we laughed, we had a great time…let’s just say he didn’t go home until Friday afternoon. Ahem, ANYWAY.

I normally don’t put out on a first date (and if I did, so freaking what, I am a grown adult and I am allowed to like sex!). But we had been talking for two weeks straight for hours each time. We talked about silly stuff, we talked about serious stuff, we just talked. And then we finally met and the sparks were there.

Christmas comes and all the crazy whirlwind family obligations. Finally on Sunday we touch base, chat a little bit about our holidays, talk about how much fun we had, etc. It is now Wednesday. WEDNESDAY PEOPLE! And I haven’t heard a single peep from him. What the French, Toast! That is just rude.

Suddenly ignoring a girl is douchy. Especially if there was no indication that he was no longer interested. He could have just not acknowledged me on Sunday and I would have gotten the message. And if I had met him at a bar and hooked up, okay, I would expect to go on my happy little way and never really hear from him again. But we seemed to have connected.

I just don’t get it. If he’s not interested, man up and say, “Hey, I had a good time, but I just don’t see anything coming from it.” Fine, I’m a big girl. I can take it. Would it suck to hear that? Of course, but at least I would have stopped wasting the pretty on someone who wasn’t interested.

And then I don’t know if it is just because he is inexperienced in the dating world (only really started dating a few years ago) (hello, who isn’t). Maybe he is freaked out by my awesomeness and that all this awesomeness actually really likes him (he has some hearing loss and mild cerebral palsy, causing some insecurities on his part). Or maybe he just isn’t interested. Whatever it is, getting the silent treatment for two days when before I would get a good morning and good night everyday, really hurts my feelings.

I am off to read “He’s just not that into you” and then I am off to scout out more boys. No need to waste the pretty on someone who can’t even bother to call.

P.S. Have I mentioned that dating is brutal!

***UPDATE - I did call him out after writing this post. We seem to have worked some of it out. But dating is still brutal.***

The reindeer fell out of my ass

I was able to find quite a bit of that holiday spirit I had been lacking.  I put up my tree on Saturday and put out all my decorations. And it really helped me pull the reindeer out of my ass.

My rocking horses all lined up in order by year

My new ornament collection “a pony for christmas” also in order by year

My tree with all the ornaments. So pretty.

I have opted not to hang any christmas lights outside this year, but that’s okay. It is cold and raining buckets and frankly I have no desire to scamper my happy ass across the roof.

Yeah for the holidays!

P.S. I met a boy who makes me smile :)

Where do I find this holiday spirit?

I just can’t seem to find the holiday spirit.  Usually I have my tree up right after Thanksgiving and I am outside freezing my ass off hanging lights on my roof.  I usually love pulling out all my decorations and setting them up around the house.  Unwrapping each ornament and remembering why I love it so much.  I collect rocking horse ornaments and I have a series that spans 16 years. When I pull them out of the ornament tote, I carefully line them up in order of year, until all 16 are displayed.  Then I evenly hang them on the tree.

I am not religious and I only celebrate Christmas secularly, as a time when my family gets together and laugh and just have a great time. My mother loves to decorate and has decorations for every single holiday and I am my mother’s daughter.  I usually love everything about this time of year.  I love the lights on the houses lighting up the cold nights. The smell of holiday goodies baking.  Getting together with friends from out of town who I haven’t seen all year.

This year, it is two weeks before Christmas and I don’t have a SINGLE decoration up. Nothing, nada, zilch. 

Part of the reason is because after 3 years, I am single this Christmas. I don’t have someone special I am shopping for.  I don’t have someone to share all the memories with of decorating the tree and hanging lights.  I am not out hunting for the “perfect gift”. The gift that once purchased I would be so excited for him to open and hardly be able to wait until Christmas day.

Even if I had someone special to shop for, I have no extra money to really be shopping with. At work we are required to take furloughs (mandatory unpaid days off). My budget was already tight and with the cut in pay it has just made it even tighter. I can pay all my bills, I just don’t have a lot of extra spending. Okay I don’t have any extra spending money.

But this weekend I am determined to get into the holiday spirit! I WILL put up my tree and depending on the weather I WILL hang my Christmas lights.  I am going to fake it until I feel that holiday spirit tingle!

What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger…

Online dating might actually end up killing me though!

Online dating is brutal and your self esteem takes a serious beating.  You start to feel hopeful and excited by new potential boys and dates…then those hopes and excitement are crushed.  By the time I make it through this, I will have the toughest skin and be the bluntest person ever.

I send out winks or messages and sometimes I get a “polite no” and I wonder: do they not like me because of how I look? or because I am liberal? or maybe they don’t like dogs, in which case we wouldn’t work out anyway!  And some people simple don’t respond or acknowledge me at all (rude much)  Then there are the ones you start to email/chat with and you seem to have a good connection.  We set up a time to meet, we go on a date, the date seems to have gone great, we chat some more after date, then…

1. Suddenly the guy just stops writing back. (Um, what? If the date was horrible or he wasn’t interested then why continue to email/text back and forth with me afterwards and then just poof, nothing)

2. We hit it off, discuss going on another date and then you get a text saying “Hey I really did have a good time on our date, but I also went on a date with someone else before our date and we hit it off. I am going to give it a go. I wish you the best of luck in your search”
*I really appreciate that he manned up and was willing to tell me. And I hope it works out for them, because this online dating blows!

I have also encountered the guy who is chatting to multiple ladies (hey, I don’t judge, I am trying to talk to several guys), but he can’t seem to keep us straight.  Dude, seriously, keep better track of us.  Also, I am not interested in a booty call.

This is an actual message I received:

Hey There

Been lil bored how bout you. Maybe something casual, rip one fool around a bit. Take Care if not

Um, really? Does that actually work? And WHAT in my profile gives the impression that I would be interested in that?

Sigh, there has to be someone out there somewhere. I will just look at it like trying to find a job. For every 20 applications I submit I get 1 interview and for every 10 interviews I get a job offer.  So using this theory I only have 1,123,973 more applications to go…

Photo Journey of my trip to Georgia

My friend Amber and I traveled to Georgia for our other friend, Kristin’s wedding.

The red pillows were my FAVORITE!           View out the window from my bed.

DANGER = mini fridge                                Better view outside out hotel window.

We arrived at out hotel after a long red eye flight. Arriving in Atlanta around 9:30am, that is 6:30am for my West Coast brain/body.  we stayed at Loews**, it was amazing!

We opted out of taking a nap as we were hopped up on caffeine and ready to get exploring.

Oh yeah, off to be a tourist on only 3ish hours of plane sleep!

Total tourists that we were, we hit up CNN, the Aquarium, Turner Field, and looked at the outside of the Coca Cola museum.

The world inside CNN                        Nothing says morning like CNN coffee

we searched for Anderson, but he’s in NYC. But then we found Larry ;)

After our behind the scenes CNN tour it was off to the Aquarium.

                    
True love                                                       I see penguins

 
Crawling through the penguin tunnel

Now we were off to Turner Field. Amber is a big Braves fan. I am not into baseball so much, but I was down for the ride.

Turner field. While there I realized it was named after Ted Turner who basically owns all of Georgia. He started CNN, owned the Braves, started TBS (Turner Broadcasting System) which is why it always shows the Braves games…

At the Braves store:

Amber tries on a jersey and I pick my nose…

We crashed hard that night.  And the next morning began the real reason we went to Georgia in the first place – KRISTIN’S WEDDING! It was casual and laid back and low stress, with just family and a few friends. But mostly, it was perfect.

 
Lunch before the Big Event that evening.

Starting the hair.                              Final touches and in the dress.

 
The super yummy cakes decorated by moi. Did I mention they were super yummy?!

             
The Bride before the “I Do’s”                          Happily Ever After!

I had a great time in Georgia and I can’t wait to go back.  It was my first trip anywhere in the South.  Next time I plan to stick around for more than a weekend. There is so much I didn’t get to see and do and eat!

P.S. I don’t think I took one serious photo the entire trip!

**Loew’s was an Amazing hotel. And I recommend staying there. The staff was helpful and friendly. I know I plan to stay there again.  And this is all my personal opinion.