The one about bad pussies and strippers

You know your job is good when you end the work day discussing strippers.  And it is completely work related and relevant to the work we do!  For real.  I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

As class let out and people filed out there were smiles on the faces and giggles could be heard fading down the hallway.

Do you know some of the self employment costs strippers might have?…

Me: What do we consider self employment?

Me: Blah blah blah, meet these criteria, blah blah blah
(I am sure this is how I sound to the class)

HS: And remember we may get people coming in who say they are drug dealers or prostitutes and they won’t have receipts to verify their income.
(Hi Helena! Everyone say hi to Helena)

Student: Yeah and strippers.  Would we consider them having to purchase ”outfits” as an expense?

Me/HS: It could be, but could also depend.  You and I have to purchase clothing appropriate for our employment, but would we consider that a cost?  Possibly.

**This is where I have the best line…EVER**

Me: Another cost they might incur, grooming costs

The laughter was immediate, some were in utter shock, and I couldn’t help but giggle myself.

Class: *snickers*

Me: Come on, you all know what I am talking about!

Ah yes the day ended on a positive note, even if there is one very trying student in the class.  But hey, there is usually one and she will only make me a better trainer in the long run.

My mind lives in the gutter, geez.  Why do you think I have to wash my hair so often!  And here is evidence that I have even corrupted my cat.  I give you miss Maggie doing her impression of what dirty girls do:

You’re welcome and good night!

P.S. You should really donate to my Relay for Life team! http://main.acsevents.org/goto/ehauk

Because slamming my head into the wall sounded like a good idea

For the past day and a half I have had a splitting headache, sometimes called a migraine (I personally prefer the term MOTHERF****** B****). A headache so bad that the idea of stabbing my own eyes out actually sounded appealing because the pain would be less than what I was currently experiencing.

I left work early Wed afternoon and completely opted out of work on Thurs. I have an hour commute and the thought of driving made me want to cry and probably would not have been the best idea as my vision was slightly blurred and I was nauseous. And I couldn’t even imagine looking at a computer all day long, my eyeballs throbbed just thinking about it.

It was brutal.

I slept when I could, in a dark room, a cold pack over my eyes, snuggled with my Jackie. I found the thought of food completely unappealing. Me not be interested in food = major problem. I love food. I eat food even when my tummy is upset because it just might make it feel better.

I have been drinking lots of water just in case this headache is the cause of dehydration. I hate having a headache. The stress of it causes my shoulders to tense up, adding to the problem. The muscles in my neck are as hard as rocks.

Migraines suck ass!

Fortunately the pain is now just a dull ache, more a residual pain left over from the debilitating pain of yesterday.

P.S. You should donate to my Relay For Life team. All the cool kids are doing it!
http://main.acsevents.org/goto/ehauk

Relay For Life

I Relay for Grandma Sue, Grandpa Charlie, Carole, Fern, Cindy and little Ezra. I Relay for everyone I love - Family & Friends - who have ever heard the words "YOU HAVE CANCER".

For them I Relay.

Every dollar raised is $1 closer to finding a Cure. One step closer to "YOU HAVE CANCER" being words no one has to hear again. It will become a thing of the past.

I honor Grandma Sue, Grandpa Charlie, Carole, Fern, Cindy, and Little Ezra by participating in Relay For Life and raising money to eradicate cancer. Every breath they take after hearing that heart stopping word CANCER is another breath they take as a Survivor!

My goal in participating in Relay For Life is to make every single cancer patient a survivor and ultimately cancer free and healthy.

I am asking for your help in reaching my personal goal of raising $250.00 for this year's Relay For Life. Help me raise the funds so we can say someone else is a cancer survivor. Every donation is appreciated, $1, $5, $10, $25...nothing is too small!

If you would like to donate please click on the link I have posted to my participation page.

Thank you for your support.

~E

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/ehauk

I may have been absent from here, but I was still busy!

It’s been awhile since I last blogged. I just haven’t had the inspiration. I can’t form the words to tell a story. Or my stories aren’t very fascinating or interesting to me so why would they be interesting to you.

Since the last time I posted:

• My brother got married
• I have been traveling up a storm with work
• I had a paver patio put in, in my backyard
• I planted 3 trees in my backyard, each one requiring a ginormous hole…have I mentioned the “dirt” in my backyard is actually clay after the first 18 inches?!
• I became addicted to Dexter, I have watched all 3 seasons on DVD and I really think season 4 needs to get over already and released on DVD.
• I am in the process of knitting a grocery bag, it’s challenging but actually looking like a bag and not a knotted mess. (P.S. I am in a knitting group and this only my second project EVER, the first was a scarf)
• My car and I were in a minor collision with some tire debris kicked up by a semi while driving home from work one day on the interstate going 70+ mph. I am fine; the car was a little banged up.
• My car is now fixed
• The chunk of my front spoiler that was ripped off in the above mentioned collision can still be seen on the side of road.

That is my last month in a nutshell.

I have been keeping up with all of you lovelies though. Never fear, I continue to stalk your pages and even occasionally leave a comment or two.

What’s in the purse

Several of you have done the “what’s in your purse” posts and today I decided to jump on that boat!  Besides, I just got a new purse so overall my purse is pretty clean and I am not embarrassed by what may be inside.

My brother is getting married this weekend and I needed a dress for the event.  Jen and I headed to the outlet mall. I found a dress I really like and discovered that there is a Coach store! Sigh, I love me some Coach.  Along with my new dress I now have a new purse and wallet:

But I know you are all here to really see what is inside the purse and not the purse itself…but you must admit, that is one beautiful bag.

1. Stamps, yeah, I carry stamps in my purse. I am the person when you ask, “Does anyone have a stamp?” who responds, “Yes.” and then gives you one and doesn’t even expect you to pay for it.  Also there is my bluetooth (I hate that thing, but I commute everyday around 80 miles each way and driving and talking on the phone is a no-no). Lastly is a nail file, hang nails are a bitch!

2. My new beautiful wallet, nuf said.

3. My work ID badges and if you look closely you can also see the pair of earrings that I discovered in the bottom of my purse.

4. The love of my life…also known as my blackberry.

5. Gum, essential.  And several pens and a sticky note pad sometimes you just need to leave a quick love note.

6. My Starbucks gift card and my punch card for Dutch Bros, another coffee place – drink coffee much? Check! The other card is the business card for my landscaper guy who is starting next week.

7. Inhaler, vital if I want to keep breathing; eye drops and no I am not a stoner, I have issues with my tear ducts and sometimes my eyes dry out; lip gloss and hand lotion, it’s important to keep the lips and hands soft and smooth and kissable ;)

8. Keys, several pairs. One set is to my house and my parents house and the second set are my work keys.

9. And lastly…my passport! You never know when you might need to make a quick get away. It is important to always be prepared, just in case.

Rain Rain Go Away

There are so many things I want to blog about and I have started several different posts over the weeks.  I have even written whole posts in my head but then I get a minute to myself in front of the computer and all I want to do is check Facebook (aka feed my addiction) and then go to bed.

As you may know, I started a new job at the beginning of March.  It involves a long commute when I am “in the office” and then there is also quite a bit of traveling, overnight traveling around the state.  Last week I was in Portland M-Th and then Friday I was briefly in the office for two hours where I gathered all the material I would need for this coming week’s training.

I am loving the job! But adjusting is taking some time.  And it is always hard when you aren’t sleeping in your own bed.  My Jackie is staying with Mike while I am out of town and Jen is feeding the Maggie.  Impersonal hotel rooms just don’t offer the comfort the my creatures do when they are snuggled up next to me.

This week, Mon and Tues I am Co-Training my very first training.  I am no longer just observing.  I am nervous but excited.  Wish me luck.  I have been teaching small sections to get practice speaking in front of people.  The first time I was given a larger portion I felt really good about it.  The trainees were all responsive and gave good feedback. I was feeling good…then it was break time and I went to the bathroom and realized my zipper had been down the entire time! Awesome.

Oh well at least I got it out of the way early on, right?

The weather has been crazy and unpredictable.  It will be sunny and blue skies one minute and the next it is torrential downpours.  You know the rain is bad when drivers is Oregon are driving super slow.  And of course it only decides to open up and dump all the rain on me when I am transferring my suitcase from my car into the State Car or trying check into the hotel.  It also makes driving a little more treacherous.  Stupid rain!

The rain and sun mixture has also caused the weeds in my backyard aka the jungle, go completely insane!  The grass is taller than my dog, I can’t even see him when he is running around out there.  So, today I decided to tackle the yard (well and the landscaper guy is coming in the morning and I don’t want him to see the craziness that is my backyard!)  Mike came over and helped me weed whack the shit out of the jungle.  It actually looks pretty normal and scary overgrown.

I am really going to try and get back into my blogging groove! And just because I may not be posting much I am still out here and keeping up with all of your blogs.  You’re my blog buddies and I heart you lots and lots!

This and That

Dear Psycho drivers, slow drivers, idiot drivers, etc

…please stay off the road while I am on my commute.

Thanks,
~E

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I have started listening to NPR during my commute. I find it interesting and much more informative than the music station, which liked to inform me about celebrity happenings (I kind of miss that though, but that’s why the internet has people.com).

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Jake the Bachelor is an idiot and should just keep his mouth shut. On DWTS, when he said proposing to Vienna was the honor of his life, I almost vomited.  And even my dog was all, “Bitch please. 

*but I do enjoy Niecy with her jiggly bits and Buzz with his moon walk.

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