Life

This last Thursday I turned 30.  The big 3-0.  I have entered a completely new decade. I am not bothered by this new age.  And I think it is because I am in a good place.  I have a home, a job I like well enough, and am in a relationship with a man I am head over heels in love with.  Because I am content getting older doesn’t bother me.

I am so completely happy.  My life is going in the direction I want it to.  This new decade is going to be full of greatness.  I believe I will be getting married and becoming a parent. My life is changing so drastically and I am excited about it all.

These two boys have stolen my heart. I love them both.

Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom

My mom, pregnant with me when she was 29 (my age now).  I was her first baby and am her only daughter.  I hope I can be half the mom she is to my own children.  The road has not always been easy, but she helped shape me into the woman I am today.

People tell me all the time I look like my mother. Isn’t she beautiful?! I am honored to look like her.

Happy Mother’s Day to the best mom I could have ever asked for!  I love you!

My Neon Sign

Sometimes life does give you a big giant neon sign that let’s you know you are where you’re supposed to be and doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Reconnecting with Stuart is one of those neon signs for me. There are just too many coincidences for this to not be where I supposed to be.

We reconnected on New Year’s Eve. Coincidence? I think not. It was the beginning of a new year and I was definitely ready for a new start, something new in my life. It all started with a silly Facebook status update. I was taking a Wii bowling break and checking my FB (it’s my crack, I admit it) (you’re totally jealous of my New Year’s partying) and there in my newsfeed was a status update from Stuart (who hadn’t updated his status since the previous May…obviously he is not as addicted to Facecrack as I am). It was one of those stupid statuses that are making the rounds, “If we woke up in jail together, using only 4 words what would you say?” I was compelled to comment. So being me, I posted, “I hid the body.” ‘Cause that is how *I* roll!

A little bit later I get an alert that I have a new message on FB. It was from Stuart, saying thanks for having his back in the body hiding and what had I been up to lately. We have been talking every single day for hours since then. He even texted me a midnight kiss that night because he knew I didn’t have one lined up :)

He lives in Colorado and I live in Oregon. Obviously we have some obstacles to work through. But I am already starting my campaign to get him back to Oregon. He is from here and his parents and brother all live here…plus ME! Hello! He makes me smile everyday. He has listened to me cry ugly unpretty tears over the sudden untimely death of a friend. He does things simply because he knows it will make me happy and bring a smile to my face.

He bought me a ticket to visit him in Colorado in Feb. My entire visit was so great. Even though we had never met in person before, there was no awkwardness or weirdness. Everything felt right. He was where I was supposed to be (cue sappy “awwww” music). He was waiting with flowers for me at the airport, beautiful flowers that he helped me wrap up so they could even make the trip home to Oregon with me. He held my hand and told me I was beautiful every single day I was there and he does it everyday still. Every door was opened for me and he refused to let me pay for anything.

He makes me happy. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to overlook him for so many years (3+). How did we not connect like this before. And I realize that the distance is what scared me and kept me from even considering starting a relationship with him. While I am not that much older now (I will soon be entering my 30’s which makes me automatically wiser) I have grown a lot in the last few years. I am no longer scared of the distance. Yes, it is inconvenient, but not insurmountable. We already have my next visit there planned and are working on his visit here this summer.

I also think blogging has helped me be less afraid of opening up to people I have only known online. I realize that I have friendships with some amazing bloggers and I have never even met any of them in person. Why can’t I have a relationship with a man who I have only met in person once? I can. While it is hard sometimes when I have a long day and just want a hug, I also think that Stuart and I REALLY talk. We talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I do try to stay realistic. I am not making plans at the moment to uproot my whole life to run off with a man. I know that one day when we do live in the same state, let alone the same town, it will be an adjustment. There will be things that he does that annoy the shit out of me. But I am not always the easiest person to live with either and God help him if he loads the dishwasher the wrong way ;) All relationships take work and sometimes being in a long distance relationship takes a little extra work.

For now, I am happy.

Stuart

This is the face of the man I am going to marry one day. This is Stuart.

The Oldest

I watched him pace.  I watched him crack jokes and support his younger brother and mom.  I watched him walk down the hall, alone, where he could sit by himself around the corner out of sight…maybe to cry, maybe to just to recharge his reserves so he could be strong for the others.  All while we waited and waited and waited.  Hoping and praying his youngest brother would pull through this.  Hoping against all odds that this would be a story we laugh about and tease his brother about.  Waiting in vain.

As the oldest we are supposed to pave the road.  We are supposed to tell our younger siblings what to do and how to do it.  We aren’t supposed to watch, helpless, as our 33 year old baby brother fights to survive and loses that battle in less than 48 short hours.

I wasn’t in the ICU waiting room for him, I was there to support my friend as she waited to see the outcome of her boyfriend/best friend/lover’s fight to survive this surprise attack on his body from the inside.  I was there to help her through the night, to make sure she wasn’t alone.  But he caught my eye.  He drew my attention.

Him and I, both the oldest with two younger brothers.  I could empathize with him.  I knew what I would be feeling, what I would believe my role to be in this horror film if it was my baby brother in the ICU.  He was the one who got the phone call from their dad saying he would not be coming to the hospital and passed this upsetting information along to everyone else.

At one point, someone mentioned how much Dave looked like him.  His automatic response, “No, he looks like ME.”  It made me smile.  How many times have I said this exact thing when someone comments on the resemblance between my youngest brother and me?  We’re the oldest, they look like us because we were here first.

We were here first so in theory we should be the ones to go first.  My heart breaks for him and his family and my dear friend Amber who all lost someone very special.  It happened so suddenly and the tragic end came so quickly.

The few short days you have been gone feel like weeks.  You are missed so so much Dave.  You were and always will be greatly loved.

Ice is one mean mofo

Here is a great piece of advice from me to you…we don’t bounce like we used to as children.  When we fall, we fall hard, and we can’t get up.

A few weeks ago I was over at my friend’s house for the big championship game between Auburn and Oregon.  I was born and raised in Eugene, I am a huge Oregon Duck fan!  My friend who was having the party…Auburn alum.  Sadly my Ducks lost, but it was a fun game and I had a great time hanging out with friends.

Me and M (my friend’s daughter). M is rocking her Tiger bib. I am pretty sure she is going “This is what the Tigers are going to do to the Ducks, GRRRR”

It was after the game as I was attempting to head home that the incident occurred.  It was cold and late and ice was covering the ground.  I started to walk down the steps to the driveway and I said over my shoulder to Jen, “Careful, these steps are icy.”

Next thing I know, my arms are flailing and I am going down.  My feet literally slipped out from under me.  I land hard on my back, one step hitting me across my bra strap and shoulder blade and another makes contact with my left hip.  It was brutal.  I think if I had landed more on my side I would have cracked a rib or two.  I manage to get up and am doubled over trying to get air back into my lungs.  Jen keeps asking, “Are you okay? Are you okay?”  All I could do was wheeze as I tried to suck in air.  Once I could finally get a breath I looked at her with tears streaming down my face and said, “See, I told you they were icy.” Then we both started laughing hysterically.

My left hip, two days later.  Photo taken by Jen…in the sickroom at work, we totally started rumors as we walked out together That’s how we roll!

I went to the doctor the next day because my neck was bothering me so much and I wanted to make sure I hadn’t seriously injured myself.  Turns out I simply strained a neck muscle when I jerked my head as I fell to prevent it from being smacked into the ground. Awesome.

So take it from me kids, we don’t bounce like we used to when we were little.  I am in the home stretch to my 30th birthday and my body is not a fan of being thrown down the stairs.  I was sore for a week and walking funny.  There is only one reason I want to be walking funny and it ain’t ‘cause I fell down some stairs!

Don't Waste The Pretty

Remember how I mentioned that I met a boy who made me smile? Well right now he isn’t making me smile. In fact he is kind of pissing me off!

We chatted over email/yahoo messenger/text everyday all day for almost two weeks. He lives in a town about 45 mins away and with our work schedules and stuff it was hard to coordinate a time to meet up. Finally we found a time the worked for both of us. Last Thursday, the eve before Christmas Eve.

The plan was for him to come down after work and we would go out to dinner and see how things went. Neither of us had to work the next day so it wouldn’t feel rushed or cut off because it was getting late.

Well, we hit it off, we chatted, we laughed, we had a great time…let’s just say he didn’t go home until Friday afternoon. Ahem, ANYWAY.

I normally don’t put out on a first date (and if I did, so freaking what, I am a grown adult and I am allowed to like sex!). But we had been talking for two weeks straight for hours each time. We talked about silly stuff, we talked about serious stuff, we just talked. And then we finally met and the sparks were there.

Christmas comes and all the crazy whirlwind family obligations. Finally on Sunday we touch base, chat a little bit about our holidays, talk about how much fun we had, etc. It is now Wednesday. WEDNESDAY PEOPLE! And I haven’t heard a single peep from him. What the French, Toast! That is just rude.

Suddenly ignoring a girl is douchy. Especially if there was no indication that he was no longer interested. He could have just not acknowledged me on Sunday and I would have gotten the message. And if I had met him at a bar and hooked up, okay, I would expect to go on my happy little way and never really hear from him again. But we seemed to have connected.

I just don’t get it. If he’s not interested, man up and say, “Hey, I had a good time, but I just don’t see anything coming from it.” Fine, I’m a big girl. I can take it. Would it suck to hear that? Of course, but at least I would have stopped wasting the pretty on someone who wasn’t interested.

And then I don’t know if it is just because he is inexperienced in the dating world (only really started dating a few years ago) (hello, who isn’t). Maybe he is freaked out by my awesomeness and that all this awesomeness actually really likes him (he has some hearing loss and mild cerebral palsy, causing some insecurities on his part). Or maybe he just isn’t interested. Whatever it is, getting the silent treatment for two days when before I would get a good morning and good night everyday, really hurts my feelings.

I am off to read “He’s just not that into you” and then I am off to scout out more boys. No need to waste the pretty on someone who can’t even bother to call.

P.S. Have I mentioned that dating is brutal!

***UPDATE - I did call him out after writing this post. We seem to have worked some of it out. But dating is still brutal.***