It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

I have found myself close to tears almost everyday for the last week. The smallest thing can make me just want to burst into tears. I have even cried myself to sleep several nights in a row.

Everything is changing and I don't do change well. I am closing on my house August 24th and that means I will be moving out of my boyfriend's house. I will be living on my own for the first time ever. I will be a home owner and that is just terrifying.

My boyfriend and I have reached a crossroads in our relationship. At this point he should be able to tell me if he sees us getting married one day or if he wants children one day. And he can't. That hurts. But I know I don't have to convince anyone to marry me. One day I will find someone who thinks the sun shines out of my ass. I know that once I move out we most likely won't be together much longer.

But I still want him to act like he is going to miss me for more than the rent money I paid him. I want to feel like I was important to him and that he enjoyed our time living together. I want to know I mattered to him and I can't just be replaced easy breezy. While I know he will miss me and I know he loves me as much as he is able, he doesn't really say much about me leaving. Does it mean he doesn't care? Does it mean he wants pretend it's not really happening because he doesn't want to deal with his feelings? I don't know.

I am also trying to get a new job. I am stagnating in my current position. I dread going in to work most days because I get so bored. I really want this new position. But I am so shy around new people and interviewing is not my strong suit. I get so flustered. I can do this job and I can do it very very well. The key is getting the position. I want it so badly!

On top of that our union has renegotiated our contract. We are not getting any cost of living adjustment, our step increases have been frozen for the coming year, and to top it all off we are going to have to take furloughs (mandatory unpaid days off). Because of my income level I will be required to take 12 furloughs. I am only $14 away from having to take 14. Learning I am going to be taking about a 5% pay cut right as I am getting ready to take on the responsibility of a home owner makes me break out into a panicked sweat.

Everything is changing and changing fast for me. I am trying to take it all in stride, but part of that stride apparently is me crying my way through.