My Neon Sign

Sometimes life does give you a big giant neon sign that let’s you know you are where you’re supposed to be and doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Reconnecting with Stuart is one of those neon signs for me. There are just too many coincidences for this to not be where I supposed to be.

We reconnected on New Year’s Eve. Coincidence? I think not. It was the beginning of a new year and I was definitely ready for a new start, something new in my life. It all started with a silly Facebook status update. I was taking a Wii bowling break and checking my FB (it’s my crack, I admit it) (you’re totally jealous of my New Year’s partying) and there in my newsfeed was a status update from Stuart (who hadn’t updated his status since the previous May…obviously he is not as addicted to Facecrack as I am). It was one of those stupid statuses that are making the rounds, “If we woke up in jail together, using only 4 words what would you say?” I was compelled to comment. So being me, I posted, “I hid the body.” ‘Cause that is how *I* roll!

A little bit later I get an alert that I have a new message on FB. It was from Stuart, saying thanks for having his back in the body hiding and what had I been up to lately. We have been talking every single day for hours since then. He even texted me a midnight kiss that night because he knew I didn’t have one lined up :)

He lives in Colorado and I live in Oregon. Obviously we have some obstacles to work through. But I am already starting my campaign to get him back to Oregon. He is from here and his parents and brother all live here…plus ME! Hello! He makes me smile everyday. He has listened to me cry ugly unpretty tears over the sudden untimely death of a friend. He does things simply because he knows it will make me happy and bring a smile to my face.

He bought me a ticket to visit him in Colorado in Feb. My entire visit was so great. Even though we had never met in person before, there was no awkwardness or weirdness. Everything felt right. He was where I was supposed to be (cue sappy “awwww” music). He was waiting with flowers for me at the airport, beautiful flowers that he helped me wrap up so they could even make the trip home to Oregon with me. He held my hand and told me I was beautiful every single day I was there and he does it everyday still. Every door was opened for me and he refused to let me pay for anything.

He makes me happy. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to overlook him for so many years (3+). How did we not connect like this before. And I realize that the distance is what scared me and kept me from even considering starting a relationship with him. While I am not that much older now (I will soon be entering my 30’s which makes me automatically wiser) I have grown a lot in the last few years. I am no longer scared of the distance. Yes, it is inconvenient, but not insurmountable. We already have my next visit there planned and are working on his visit here this summer.

I also think blogging has helped me be less afraid of opening up to people I have only known online. I realize that I have friendships with some amazing bloggers and I have never even met any of them in person. Why can’t I have a relationship with a man who I have only met in person once? I can. While it is hard sometimes when I have a long day and just want a hug, I also think that Stuart and I REALLY talk. We talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I do try to stay realistic. I am not making plans at the moment to uproot my whole life to run off with a man. I know that one day when we do live in the same state, let alone the same town, it will be an adjustment. There will be things that he does that annoy the shit out of me. But I am not always the easiest person to live with either and God help him if he loads the dishwasher the wrong way ;) All relationships take work and sometimes being in a long distance relationship takes a little extra work.

For now, I am happy.

Stuart

This is the face of the man I am going to marry one day. This is Stuart.

The Oldest

I watched him pace.  I watched him crack jokes and support his younger brother and mom.  I watched him walk down the hall, alone, where he could sit by himself around the corner out of sight…maybe to cry, maybe to just to recharge his reserves so he could be strong for the others.  All while we waited and waited and waited.  Hoping and praying his youngest brother would pull through this.  Hoping against all odds that this would be a story we laugh about and tease his brother about.  Waiting in vain.

As the oldest we are supposed to pave the road.  We are supposed to tell our younger siblings what to do and how to do it.  We aren’t supposed to watch, helpless, as our 33 year old baby brother fights to survive and loses that battle in less than 48 short hours.

I wasn’t in the ICU waiting room for him, I was there to support my friend as she waited to see the outcome of her boyfriend/best friend/lover’s fight to survive this surprise attack on his body from the inside.  I was there to help her through the night, to make sure she wasn’t alone.  But he caught my eye.  He drew my attention.

Him and I, both the oldest with two younger brothers.  I could empathize with him.  I knew what I would be feeling, what I would believe my role to be in this horror film if it was my baby brother in the ICU.  He was the one who got the phone call from their dad saying he would not be coming to the hospital and passed this upsetting information along to everyone else.

At one point, someone mentioned how much Dave looked like him.  His automatic response, “No, he looks like ME.”  It made me smile.  How many times have I said this exact thing when someone comments on the resemblance between my youngest brother and me?  We’re the oldest, they look like us because we were here first.

We were here first so in theory we should be the ones to go first.  My heart breaks for him and his family and my dear friend Amber who all lost someone very special.  It happened so suddenly and the tragic end came so quickly.

The few short days you have been gone feel like weeks.  You are missed so so much Dave.  You were and always will be greatly loved.