You may have a small penis but ice can still kill you

It snow. Yea, woo hoo, yippee. Whatever, shut the hell up! I hate snow. Despise it with a passion. Now I realize when the first snowfall happens, everything is covered in white and pretty. Everything looks so clean and bright, blah blah blah. Two minutes later it is covered in footprints, people have driven through it making is brown and dirty, and dogs have turned it yellow (hell I know a few people who probably helped turn it yellow or worse). Few days later, beautiful snow is now reduced to brown slush. I have also skidded through one too many stoplights, screaming in fear of my life, to enjoy snow anymore.

Then the day warms up and it starts to melt. Children are outside playing in the snow, creating snowmen and snow forts and having snowball fights, because of course all schools have closed due to the measley 2 inches of white stuff.

Alright, I know schools and stuff close down when there is any snow mainly because it never snows here so the city isn't prepared handle it and can't clear roadways or salt the roads, etc etc. But I digress.

So the snow begins to melt that first day and then the sun begins to disappear below the horizon. This makes the temperature drop too and guess what that does...freezes the melting snow in to lethal slabs of ice. Lurking on roadways to send your car into terrifying skid or camoflauged on the sidewalk waiting to make you fall as you caustiously make your way down the road.

Ice = scary

Black Ice = scarier

Assholes driving huge vehicles when ice is present = scariest fucking thing ever.

Apparently there was some memo that went out informing SUV and truck drivers that they will be immune to all possible weather hazards created by snow and freezing temps. Okay, let me back up...not all drivers of said vehicles are idiots, some do have common sense and I thank them for using it.

Usually these douchebags are younger guys who have purchased their HUGE vehicles to compensate for what they lack in their pants (and their brains apparently).

This morning I am slowing making my trek to work. I live in West Eugene and have to drive all the way to 30th and Main in Springfield, on a good day without other cars impeding my progress I can usually make it in 15 minutes. Today however it took me easily 40+ minutes.

One of the aforementioned douchebags gets right up on my ass as I am driving down the road. Apparently my honda civic and I were not going fast enough for him. And since he was in a monstrously huge truck he felt he should be able to go faster. So, now not only am I trying to be a good driver in the snow and on ice, I also have to keep an eye on testerone boy behind me.

Finally he passes me and goes on his dangerous way. I lived in Idaho for 6 years and became pretty familiar with driving in the snow and how to do it. Of course I also had studded tires put on my car every winter. I don't get studded tires anymore because I really don't need them here and they are horrible for the roads. But, I DO know how to drive in the snow.

These assholes every year come tearing down the streets in the SUVs and Trucks and think that just because they have those vehicles, ice won't get them. Well if you don't know how to drive in the snow or how to handle a spin out or slide then it really doesn't matter what you are driving and frankly you are now another danger for people just trying to arrive safely at their intended destination. Having 4 WD does not make your car automatically fit for the snow, yes it will handle better, but there is still danger. And having a truck can be even worse. Most trucks get their power from their back wheels because in theory, if you have a truck you are hauling something or carrying something in the bed. If your bed is empty on your truck, you're fucked. Your vehicle can't get any traction and you spin out.

So, just because you have purchased this vehicle to make you feel better about the little thing in your pants, remember, ice doesn't care and it will try and kill you. And if you continue to be an asshole it will try and kill not only you, but other innocent people on the road too!

Here comes the bride

So, I'm not the best on keeping up on my blogging. Sue me. What can I say, sometimes I get busy, sometimes I get lazy, and sometimes I just have nothing to say...to anyone.

My brother proposed to his girlfriend on Sunday and she said yes. They are all engaged and shit now. What the hell?! I mean I am super excited for them and she is already basically part of the family and he will never find anyone else who will put up with his neurotic ass the way she does and love him to boot.

But I always thought I would get married before him. I mean I am older by 4 years and a girl (in my mind girls tend to get married younger than boys). Hell I even have a boyfriend I live with. But there are no wedding bells anywhere close to my near future or at least any that actually will belong to me.

I do want to get married. And I do want to have kids. I even kinda have baby fever at the moment. I see pregnant bellies and it is like a homing beacon. I just want to look and look at the belly and I can hardly wait to see what the baby will look like. I want to be pregnant, except I don't want the baby that comes from being pregnant. Is that weird?

Sam and Kelsey being engaged will only cause my mother's psychosis to become even worse. Jen and Brad got engaged and started planning their wedding and somehow I ended up with a stack of wedding dress pictures my mom thought would look good on me...uh, okay. And Jen isn't even really my mom's kid. So I can just imagine it now that one of her children is getting married. Gah, save me now! Please I beg you.

P.S. I am still fat and not getting any less fat. Damnit! Even though I know it's my fault because I don't actually stick to the WW plan.

LJ is the bane of my existence

I am bored to tears at work today. I feel like it is the same old thing over and over again. Sometimes the OVPs are interesting, but today I can find little motivation to actually do any work.

Mike is in New York all week and I need to start moving my stuff. All I keep thinking about today is how much crap I have to do. I need to make a GoodWill run, I need to take stuff to the computer recycling, I need to pack up my books so that my bookshelves can be moved.

And I am tired. I slept terribly. Partly because Mike was gone and I have gotten used to sleeping with him there but also because Little John left around midnight and Shadow went crazy and woke me up.

I don't understand Little John, except I do understand he is depressed. He literally sleeps all day. Once he wakes up he eats a little something (usually creating a huge mess in the kitchen I have just cleaned). Then he flips on the TV and proceeds to watch cartoons for several hours. Finally between 10:30 and midnight he will get around to going out. He then proceeds to head out....who knows where or with what money and doesn't come home until 4-5am in the morning.

He isn't working, although sometimes he says he does have jobs lined up. Now his truck is supposed to repossessed today if he can't come up with the $800 he owes. I think his mom or dad will bail him out and he will miraculously get to keep his truck.

He never has any money to pay rent. Yet he always has money to go out, wherever it is that he goes. He has money to put gas in his gas guzzling truck.

While Mike is gone it is weird to be alone with Little John. I don't feel all that safe around him and I have nothing to talk to him about. I don't do drugs and I am not a huge cartoon fan.

Yesterday I spent all day cleaning out the spare room at Mike's and preparing to paint. I painted for several hours, all the while trying to be quiet as I painted the wall that is shared with Little John's room, trying to be respectful of the fact that he was sleeping (Of course it was about 3pm at this point). I took a break about 5:45 to go over to my parents' house for dinner, LJ was still sleeping.

After dinner I head back to Mike's, I only have one coat of paint left and then I am all done paintine, yea! I get there about 7:30 and there is LJ sitting on the couch, watching cartoons. I figured whatever, I will just go finish painting.

I got done just before 9pm and I was excited because after everything I had done that day I was looking forward to watching Desperate Housewives which was on at 9pm. I didn't get to watch DH because LJ was now watching Futurama...a freaking cartoon.

Fine, whatever, at least I recorded it. I decide to just go read in the bedroom. First I go into the kitchen for glass of water and realize that LJ has fried a hamburger patty and in the process splattered all over the counter and left his dirty dishes all over the place.

I am just so fed up with him. Mike has asked him to finish the windows, they need to be caulked, inside and out. Last night LJ tells me that it irritates him that Mike thinks he doesn't have anything else to do and wants the windows done immediately. Uh, HELLO! you don't do anything else except sit around, oh, I mean sleep. He paid you for the windows a long time ago and part of the job includes caulking the windows!

It is just frustrating.

I make Shadow and Jackie both sleep with me at night because LJ makes me feel uncomfortable. I could stay at my place, but I don't want to leave the dogs alone with him.

And what do I want to do to help myself feel better....EAT! Gah. I am back on track and tracking points again this week after taking a little hiatus, that did nothing to help my weight loss. I need to stay focused and not let little things get to me.

Jedi mind power against fast food

I have not been sleeping lately, mostly due to stress. And I have noticed that fast food has seemed much more appealing that it normally does. I mean I always love gooey fatty goodness and french fries. But recently the yearning for fast food as I drive by the restaurants is so strong. I haven't actually given in and gotten anything, but it is so tempting.

I have come to the conclusion that the tireder (real word?) I am the more I really want that comfort food offered at fast food places. Interesting observation and not something I think I would have notice if I wasn't so aware of my eating and cravings.

So, the moral is....get your sleep and the fast food has no control over you!

Tracking...funny how it works

Two weeks ago I was diligent in my tracking of food I ate. Even when I knew I hadn't stuck to my points and that I was eating "bad" food, I wrote it all down. And I lost 4.6lbs!

Last week I slacked a little on the tracking and wasn't monitoring everything I was eating very well. I eventually did get around to writing stuff down, but I fear that because I procrastinated I missed some food items that I ate. I gained .6lbs.

So I am trying my hardest to keep track of everything I eat and to actually stick with the program. I find the weekends are the hardest to get under control. At work my day is scheduled and I have a routine, but on weekends or days off my routine is thrown out of wack. And then I wait too long to eat and I am starving by the time I get around to it so I just eat the easiest and closest thing I can find...generally not something very healthy for me.

Today I had two beers, it was a two beer kind of day. I took Jackie to the vet, then had to take my car to the dealership for some recall replacement thing (I don't know cars, but I know something needed to be fixed and they were going to fix it). After leaving my car at the dealership I went to lunch with Mike and had a slice of pizza, the greatest but in moderation really not that bad. It was one slice and nothing else, granted it was a large slice. After he dropped me off at home, I proceeded to clean my room, bathroom included, and wash all my dirty clothes.

Then Mike came back over after work so that when they called to tell me my car was ready I would have a ride to go pick it up. He decided to look at my computer that I had out in the garage and see if it was usable or something (I don't speak computer). As he was turning it on and getting it all up and running, the background picture pops up and it was a head shot of Val Kilmer. I have the BIGGEST crush on that man.

Well the photo brought back all these old memories of college and how much I enjoyed it and miss that time and my friends from there. College was one of the best things I ever did.

But then Mike starts laughing at how little RAM is on the computer and how the firewall is from a company that doesn't exist nor is the internet program I used at the time, NetScape. I know he was just joking around and was a little nostalgic himself for the old memories these antiquated programs brought up. But it made me defensive. I bought that computer with my own money for $1000 in 1999. It was a big deal and I was so excited to even HAVE a computer for college that was my very own. My parents had barely gotten a computer themselves. That computer is almost 10 years old and the advancement in technology are exponential, but I felt like he was mocking me and the computer I had chosen. Even though I know he wasn't.

Then while I am still cleaning my room and washing clothes, Mike starts talking about me moving in and what his ideas are about my portion of rent. He says how about I pay $320, which is 10% of his mortgage and then $100 for utilities. How do I think this sounds? I am perfectly paying all of this, it is actually less than what I am paying now. But it stresses me out to think about moving and money is always stressful. Then it makes me angry because I think of Little Jon and how he doesn't pay any of the rent he promised to pay Mike and because of that I feel like I am getting shafted. Mike keeps going on and on about how he can really use the rent money and I just want to scream at him...FUCKING make Little Jon pay you or demand he work in trade around the house!

If I don't pay my rent, then I get EVICTED. Apparently if you are Little Jon, then nothing bad happens when you don't pay rent.

Little Jon himself stresses me the hell out. Something bad is always happens to him and it never his fault. What the hell ever! He watches cartoons all freaking day, finally decides to get going for the day around 3-4pm in the afternoon then heads on out. Usually he goes out the bar and staggers in around 3am. This of course causes Shadow to go balistic and that in turn wakes me up. I have to go to work at 7:30am so I would really appreciate sleeping through the night. On nights where he doesn't go out, he sits on the couch and criticises everything. He never has anything positive to say. It is always how something isn't right or he could do it better or blah blah blah. And him and Mike constantly bicker and I can feel myself getting tenser and tenser.

We get back to Mike's after getting my car from the dealership, I am hungry (only thing I have eaten was the piece of pizza earlier), I am cranky because I still feel defensive about my computer, and who is home, Little Jon. GAH!

So, I wanted two beers. And I happily wrote them down in my tracker like the good little weight watcher fatty I am :)

I am hopeful this week will be a loss week. I am determined to not be fat forever. Happy tracking!

I wish food was the answer

I want food. I want food I know is bad for me, food that is warm and gooey and fatty and salty. I want it. And the thought of it makes my mouth water. I want sugary sweet food. I want chocolate.

I had a good day, I had a lot of fun today. But I am also sad and my feelings are hurt. I want food to comfort me and give me the love that I feel I am missing.

Mike and I have talked about me moving in. At first he said he had never even thought of the idea. Then he tells me that I would make a good roommate...I don't want to be his roommate. A few days ago he mentioned that he was thinking of kicking his current roommate out and moving me in, because his roommate now isn't very reliable, doesn't pay rent consistently, is in and out all hours of the day, is super negative about everything, and scares the crap out of his dog. Today the topic if me moving in is brought up again and this time Mike says he isn't sure if he is going to kick out Little Jon, but if I moved in I should be able to pay the $550 that he is having LJ pay.

Is he freaking kidding me? I pay $480-500 now a month and I am barely making it each month. And to top that off, previously he had discussed me paying only about $350 if I lived with him.

I want him to want to live with me because we are a couple, not because I am some reliable roommate who he can count on to pay their rent on time. I want him to tell me that he loves me, without me having to say it first. I want him to buy me flowers because he knows I would like them. I don't want to hear the he doesn't do flowers. The flowers aren't about him!

I guess today my feelings are just hurt. I feel ignored. I basically live at his house as it is, yet he still can't decide if he wants me to live with him. How am I supposed to feel about that?

I feel as though I am in limbo and I don't see any relief or resolution anytime soon. I live out of a god damn backpack. My cats live in a house I barely ever at, one has a crazy eyeball that isn't getting any better even though I have taken her to the vet and the other gets beat up by the other cats in the house on a daily basis. I feel like I have failed my pets. Then there is Jackie. He has already crawled his way into my heart and I would keep him in a heartbeat if I could. Except, once again I don't have anywhere for him to go. I am the hobo living out of a backpack.

How do I cope with all this, I eat. Or I really really really want to eat. I want to stuff myself with food so that there isn't any room for anything else, until I am in a food coma. I want to eat until the hurt goes away. I want to eat until life gets easier and less complicated. I want to eat until I find the love and acceptance I am so desperately seeking.

And yet I know that if I do eat like that I will only feel tremendous guilt later and feel like an utter failure.

I have been writing down everything I have eaten this week. Even if I know I will go over points or I know I had a bad day or made a bad food choice. I am going to be accountable and I am going to actively try to lose weight. I am even seriously considering joining Curves and going on my lunch break...

Gah!

So core this weekend has been a little tough. The Eugene Celebration is going on and there were elephant ears and beer and beer...I am not so good when temptation is thrown in my face. Although I only had one beer tonight and the elephant ear was last night, which I split with Mike and Beth and Amber, that's good right?

Today was slightly stressful and I found myself thinking about food. First Jackie got lost and I was worried he would get hit by a car and then discovered he had been picked up by Animal Regulation. He went to Doggie Jail. I was very relieved to find out that he was safe but then I worried that they wouldn't give him back to me. Fortunately it all worked out and he is safe and pretty content with himself...he thinks he had a quite the adventure today, little shithead!

Then at the Eugene Celebration I ran into the the blond troll. I dislike her so much. As I was driving home from the Celebration I found myself thinking about which fast food places I would be able to get through the drive thru and eat all the food before I made it home and no one would even know. I was not hungry and didn't even really want any food, I just wanted the comfort of eating something gooey and fatty and warm.

While I have not stuck with core very well this weekend, I am proud to say that I did NOT stop at any fast food place and now instead of going back out and getting something unhealthy I am writing this blog. Sadly, the main reason I didn't buy any fast food...I only had my discover card and most places don't accept discover. I guess that is a blessing in disguise.

The Core Plan

I have been on Weight Watchers for awhile now and have found that it can be quite successful when I choose to stick with the program. Of course sticking with the program is often to hugest obstacle I encounter.

I hate writing down everything I eat and figuring out how many points are in this or that. I hate measuring out portions and weighing my food. Perhaps this is why I am fat, that and I really like fried food and have a wicked sweet tooth.

Weight Watchers offers two programs, the Flex Plan, where you track your daily points and keep a log of food you eat and the Core Plan, where you can eat any food from the core food list and you eat until you are satisfied and not stuffed. I have decided to attempt the core diet.

I enjoy many of the foods on the core list, there are over 2000 foods to choose from (I can even have my coffee and not feel guilty!), and I loathe tracking. My worry with trying the core plan is that if I knew when to stop eating when I was satisfied and not stuffed...I wouldn't be fat.

Today is my first day on Core and I am really trying my hardest. I have stuck with it through two meals. Of course being at work and having things to occupy my time has also been helpful. It doesn't seem so hard but I haven't gotten to dinner yet or later in the evening when I get a little bored and want something to munch. Overall everything I have eaten has fallen under core, except for the few pieces of candy.

I am trying here and I am attempting to cut the candy out, but it has been part of my morning routine for awhile now and the temptation is so difficult. I don't smoke, but food is my addiction. Unlike other additions, I can't just STOP eating.

I feel successful on my new path today. Wish me luck!