Thursday, August 18, 2011

That bitch called depression

Sometimes the effort it takes to get out of bed in the morning is overwhelming. I want to stay in bed and just sleep the days away. Except, when I’m in bed I can’t sleep. All I do is toss and turn and watch the clock. The urge to burst into tears is always there. The slightest push and full on tears will be pouring down my cheeks.

It feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on me. I smile and laugh and put on a happy face (or at least try) when I am at work or with friends. But it’s an act. I feel alone, yet have no desire to make the effort to be around people.

I am stressed to the max. I took a stress test recently and my stress rating was 463.

150 – 199: Represents mild life stress
200 – 299: Represents moderate life stress
300+ : Represents major life stresses, and a strong possibility of presenting stress symptoms.

Again, my number was 463! And you know what my stress symptom is…depression. I am apathetic and ambivalent. I am depressed. And I feel guilty for being depressed. Yes, I'm stressed, but I have a lot of great things going on in my life too. It feels selfish to be depressed and sad, when I should be happy and grateful. Yet I know depression isn't my fault, but the guilt is there none the less.

The last time I felt like this I was in college taking 20+ credits a semester, trying to get two completely unrelated bachelors (a science degree and a liberal arts degree) in four years, and an uber stressful living situation. Along with being involved in campus life and all my other extracurricular activities and working. I did something about it. I got on antidepressants and started talking to a counselor. I took care of myself and I was able to feel “normal” again.

Here I am almost a decade later and the demons have come back. I feel the same as I did then and I feel just as helpless. I need to talk to a Dr and most likely get on antidepressants again. I have a family history of depression and I know it is a chemical imbalance that is only being exacerbated by stress. I disliked how I felt on antidepressants last time, but they did help, and there are different options available these days. I hate the thought of being “dependent” on a pill to feel normal again. I know what I need to do, the hardest part is finding the strength and energy to make the appointment and go. When really I just want to go home and crawl under the covers.

***For the record, I do not have feelings of wanting to hurt myself. I don't think I would be better off dead. I am not a danger to myself.***


Lin said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way hon. My husband has times like this, it also runs in his family. I never really know how to deal with it but I'm there for him. Hopefully you're boyfriend is doing the same for you. I dont think anyone likes having to 'depend' on meds but if it'll help then we just have to suck it up & I'm glad you see it that way. The good news is that once you're back to feeling more like yourself you won't need the pills you said you've been down this road before & you've survived it. Go see your doc, make it/you a priority :)

Smart Ass Sara said...

Well then you know you have to limit what you take on in addition to talking to someone and being on anti-depressants. My husband's doctor flat out told him (after he said he wanted to ween off his medication) that people who experience depression on/off throughout their life have something chemically wrong with them. Though you feel better, you need to continue with your medication to maintain that. So once you get back on your medicine, just stick with it. You have too much awesome in your life right now to miss out or not fully enjoy any of it!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you wrote this out and mentioned talking to a doctor...I have felt exactly like you described several times in my life and it is truly frightening to not be in control of your own happiness. Zoloft helped me through the first time. I hope you talk with someone soon - know that you have support!!

Tova Darling said...

I'm so sorry! Talking to a doctor is definitely a good idea. I hope things get better very soon.

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