I wish food was the answer

I want food. I want food I know is bad for me, food that is warm and gooey and fatty and salty. I want it. And the thought of it makes my mouth water. I want sugary sweet food. I want chocolate.

I had a good day, I had a lot of fun today. But I am also sad and my feelings are hurt. I want food to comfort me and give me the love that I feel I am missing.

Mike and I have talked about me moving in. At first he said he had never even thought of the idea. Then he tells me that I would make a good roommate...I don't want to be his roommate. A few days ago he mentioned that he was thinking of kicking his current roommate out and moving me in, because his roommate now isn't very reliable, doesn't pay rent consistently, is in and out all hours of the day, is super negative about everything, and scares the crap out of his dog. Today the topic if me moving in is brought up again and this time Mike says he isn't sure if he is going to kick out Little Jon, but if I moved in I should be able to pay the $550 that he is having LJ pay.

Is he freaking kidding me? I pay $480-500 now a month and I am barely making it each month. And to top that off, previously he had discussed me paying only about $350 if I lived with him.

I want him to want to live with me because we are a couple, not because I am some reliable roommate who he can count on to pay their rent on time. I want him to tell me that he loves me, without me having to say it first. I want him to buy me flowers because he knows I would like them. I don't want to hear the he doesn't do flowers. The flowers aren't about him!

I guess today my feelings are just hurt. I feel ignored. I basically live at his house as it is, yet he still can't decide if he wants me to live with him. How am I supposed to feel about that?

I feel as though I am in limbo and I don't see any relief or resolution anytime soon. I live out of a god damn backpack. My cats live in a house I barely ever at, one has a crazy eyeball that isn't getting any better even though I have taken her to the vet and the other gets beat up by the other cats in the house on a daily basis. I feel like I have failed my pets. Then there is Jackie. He has already crawled his way into my heart and I would keep him in a heartbeat if I could. Except, once again I don't have anywhere for him to go. I am the hobo living out of a backpack.

How do I cope with all this, I eat. Or I really really really want to eat. I want to stuff myself with food so that there isn't any room for anything else, until I am in a food coma. I want to eat until the hurt goes away. I want to eat until life gets easier and less complicated. I want to eat until I find the love and acceptance I am so desperately seeking.

And yet I know that if I do eat like that I will only feel tremendous guilt later and feel like an utter failure.

I have been writing down everything I have eaten this week. Even if I know I will go over points or I know I had a bad day or made a bad food choice. I am going to be accountable and I am going to actively try to lose weight. I am even seriously considering joining Curves and going on my lunch break...

Gah!

So core this weekend has been a little tough. The Eugene Celebration is going on and there were elephant ears and beer and beer...I am not so good when temptation is thrown in my face. Although I only had one beer tonight and the elephant ear was last night, which I split with Mike and Beth and Amber, that's good right?

Today was slightly stressful and I found myself thinking about food. First Jackie got lost and I was worried he would get hit by a car and then discovered he had been picked up by Animal Regulation. He went to Doggie Jail. I was very relieved to find out that he was safe but then I worried that they wouldn't give him back to me. Fortunately it all worked out and he is safe and pretty content with himself...he thinks he had a quite the adventure today, little shithead!

Then at the Eugene Celebration I ran into the the blond troll. I dislike her so much. As I was driving home from the Celebration I found myself thinking about which fast food places I would be able to get through the drive thru and eat all the food before I made it home and no one would even know. I was not hungry and didn't even really want any food, I just wanted the comfort of eating something gooey and fatty and warm.

While I have not stuck with core very well this weekend, I am proud to say that I did NOT stop at any fast food place and now instead of going back out and getting something unhealthy I am writing this blog. Sadly, the main reason I didn't buy any fast food...I only had my discover card and most places don't accept discover. I guess that is a blessing in disguise.

The Core Plan

I have been on Weight Watchers for awhile now and have found that it can be quite successful when I choose to stick with the program. Of course sticking with the program is often to hugest obstacle I encounter.

I hate writing down everything I eat and figuring out how many points are in this or that. I hate measuring out portions and weighing my food. Perhaps this is why I am fat, that and I really like fried food and have a wicked sweet tooth.

Weight Watchers offers two programs, the Flex Plan, where you track your daily points and keep a log of food you eat and the Core Plan, where you can eat any food from the core food list and you eat until you are satisfied and not stuffed. I have decided to attempt the core diet.

I enjoy many of the foods on the core list, there are over 2000 foods to choose from (I can even have my coffee and not feel guilty!), and I loathe tracking. My worry with trying the core plan is that if I knew when to stop eating when I was satisfied and not stuffed...I wouldn't be fat.

Today is my first day on Core and I am really trying my hardest. I have stuck with it through two meals. Of course being at work and having things to occupy my time has also been helpful. It doesn't seem so hard but I haven't gotten to dinner yet or later in the evening when I get a little bored and want something to munch. Overall everything I have eaten has fallen under core, except for the few pieces of candy.

I am trying here and I am attempting to cut the candy out, but it has been part of my morning routine for awhile now and the temptation is so difficult. I don't smoke, but food is my addiction. Unlike other additions, I can't just STOP eating.

I feel successful on my new path today. Wish me luck!