Saturday, September 20, 2008

I wish food was the answer

I want food. I want food I know is bad for me, food that is warm and gooey and fatty and salty. I want it. And the thought of it makes my mouth water. I want sugary sweet food. I want chocolate.

I had a good day, I had a lot of fun today. But I am also sad and my feelings are hurt. I want food to comfort me and give me the love that I feel I am missing.

Mike and I have talked about me moving in. At first he said he had never even thought of the idea. Then he tells me that I would make a good roommate...I don't want to be his roommate. A few days ago he mentioned that he was thinking of kicking his current roommate out and moving me in, because his roommate now isn't very reliable, doesn't pay rent consistently, is in and out all hours of the day, is super negative about everything, and scares the crap out of his dog. Today the topic if me moving in is brought up again and this time Mike says he isn't sure if he is going to kick out Little Jon, but if I moved in I should be able to pay the $550 that he is having LJ pay.

Is he freaking kidding me? I pay $480-500 now a month and I am barely making it each month. And to top that off, previously he had discussed me paying only about $350 if I lived with him.

I want him to want to live with me because we are a couple, not because I am some reliable roommate who he can count on to pay their rent on time. I want him to tell me that he loves me, without me having to say it first. I want him to buy me flowers because he knows I would like them. I don't want to hear the he doesn't do flowers. The flowers aren't about him!

I guess today my feelings are just hurt. I feel ignored. I basically live at his house as it is, yet he still can't decide if he wants me to live with him. How am I supposed to feel about that?

I feel as though I am in limbo and I don't see any relief or resolution anytime soon. I live out of a god damn backpack. My cats live in a house I barely ever at, one has a crazy eyeball that isn't getting any better even though I have taken her to the vet and the other gets beat up by the other cats in the house on a daily basis. I feel like I have failed my pets. Then there is Jackie. He has already crawled his way into my heart and I would keep him in a heartbeat if I could. Except, once again I don't have anywhere for him to go. I am the hobo living out of a backpack.

How do I cope with all this, I eat. Or I really really really want to eat. I want to stuff myself with food so that there isn't any room for anything else, until I am in a food coma. I want to eat until the hurt goes away. I want to eat until life gets easier and less complicated. I want to eat until I find the love and acceptance I am so desperately seeking.

And yet I know that if I do eat like that I will only feel tremendous guilt later and feel like an utter failure.

I have been writing down everything I have eaten this week. Even if I know I will go over points or I know I had a bad day or made a bad food choice. I am going to be accountable and I am going to actively try to lose weight. I am even seriously considering joining Curves and going on my lunch break...
The Perkster - Ramblings of a hungry fat girl. Design by Exotic Mommie. Illustraion By DaPino