Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Breaking up is hard to do

I suppose from the title you can guess what this post is about…

Mike and I ended our relationship. It would have been three years on Nov 1st.  It still doesn’t seem real.

It turns out we want different things for our futures.  I want children and he doesn’t.  Back in February he told me that his hesitation with getting married wasn’t the marriage, it was knowing that if he said yes to marriage he was also saying yes to children.  So, I told him he would need to make a decision.  I was willing to wait for awhile, but that I wasn’t willing to hang around for years hoping he would finally decide in favor of children.

Since February I have been living in limbo, waiting for Mike to decide.  Last week the stress and anxiety were just getting to be too much so I told Mike I needed a decision.  He ultimately said that he doesn’t want children right now and doesn’t know if that will ever change.

And I told him our relationship was over.

How do you start over after 3 years?  Who do you talk to about your day when the person you talked to everyday is no longer around?  How do you just stop it all?

A part of me hopes that Mike will change his mind and realize he has made the wrong decision.  But I also know that I can’t spend my time waiting for this to happen.  I know I want children and if Mike truly doesn’t then I need to move on and find the person that I am meant to create a family with.

I am 29.  Not old by any means, but since I know I want children, I can’t waste my time on someone who doesn’t.  Unlike Mike, my fertility is on a time table and if Mike is not meant to be my life partner then I need to start my heart healing so I can find the person I am meant to be with.

The hardest part is he was such a huge part of my everyday.  We would talk everyday. Go to lunch during the week.  Spend whole weekends together.  We had plans for this weekend and this fall and even Christmas.  All those plans are no more.  I haven’t spoken to him since Saturday, not quite an eternity, but it feels like it.

My heart is hurting a lot.  There have been lots of tears.

My friends are amazing though.  They listen to me cry.  They keep me company and make sure I have eaten.  And they remind me how awesome I am.  And that I really am a great catch and that I will find the person I am meant to be with.  And how strong I am for knowing what I want and actually doing the hard thing and not simply settling.


Smart Ass Sara said...

See my friends? Would convince me to put the ice cream and MoonPies away. So I could at least date again and not rely on a crane to get me to the next speed dating event. :)

It's going to be ok. Because you know what? At least you aren't getting a divorce. Or had a baby on accident with a dad that didn't want kids. It doe suck but you are going to be ok. Because you know what you want and need out of life and you are one step closer to that.

Gabby said...

Oh lady, I am sorry. It's bizarre, but my best girl friend is going through the EXACT same thing (they were together for 5 years, lived together, she moved to CA from FL to be with him, she's 31, really knows she wants kids, etc etc). So I'll tell you what I've been telling her:

you will be okay. you deserve to be happy and you deserve to have exactly what you want. you are loved.

I'm only a bbm away! xo

mylittlebecky said...

that sucks. i'm so sorry. that's such a hard and scary conversation and decision to make. you should be very proud you stuck to your guns. hugs, lady!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry girl. You are so strong though and props to you for standing up for what you want. I don't know if you know this, but I do know that ice cream (cookie n cream imparticularly) do help hurting hearts. Hang tough sister.

Lin said...

I'm sorry sweets. A break up is never easy but I'm so proud of you & that fact that you didn't put your wants aside just to make it work. You will find a guy that wants the same thing in life that you do cause you're most definitely a catch.


Ella Everywhere said...

Oh I'm so sorry! I've been there and I know how you feel. It doesn't help right now, but I can tell you that it will get better eventually

Oh also, go buy " It's called a break-up because it's broken". A friend recomended that to me when I broke up with my ex, and it's really an amazing book. I know it's cheesy, but it does makes you feel better.

Hang in there hun!

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I'm with Ella, that book is really good. But I'm so sorry to hear of your breakup....even though you may not be meant to be together, that doesn't make it any easier. I'm just glad you stood up for yourself and didn't compromise something you really want in life. I don't think you'd ever forgive yourself if you did that. A guy friend of mine had a girl that hung around for 10 years, and he kept telling her that he didn't want more kids (he has one already from a previous marriage), but she didn't listen...she kept thinking he'd change his mind. He still hasn't, but she's finally moved on. She's 38 now. I think you did the right thing. Hugs to you, you'll make it through.

andygirl said...

I am so sorry! I have so been there. For that exact same reason too. You just can't compromise on that one. Can't have half a baby.

I also know how hard it is to go through a big breakup. How hard it is to lose your best friend. Best advice? Let yourself go through the grieving process. And be kind to yourself. Get a breakup buddy (kind of like a sponsor). Best yet? Go read "It's called a breakup because it's broken." That book has seriously helped me.


E said...

I am so sorry!! I know how hard this is and it sucks right now but stay strong and you will be fine!

I married my Mike and found out after the fact he didn't want kids. We were together 8 years and starting over was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. Thats actually when I started my blog. lol

Now 3 years later I am engaged to a wonderful man that is the perfect match for me and there is no doubt in my mind he is the one I was meant to spend my life with.

I still hate the fact I had to make some of the mistakes I did. And I wish I would have never married "my Mike" but I think I had to go thru all that to get where I am today.

Just stay strong and follow your heart. I know there will be hard days that you will want to call him and work it out. But remember what it is you want out of life and if he isn't willing to give you that don't settle.

{Sorry for the long comment!}

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