Thursday, June 14, 2012

Sometimes Revenge is Best Not Served

I forget how therapeutic blogging can be. Life just gets so crazy and busy and blogging gets pushed out. These last few weeks have been less mentally overwhelming because I have spewed my feelings out here. So I hope you are ready for some more…

Stuart and I met with an attorney here in Oregon and it was determined that we should actually file the adoption in Colorado with the attorney Stuart used for custody. Because Little Dude and Stuart have not lived in Oregon for 6 months, Oregon is not considered their home state yet. Also Colorado has all the history regarding this case.

Our belief was that she suddenly was willing to relinquish her rights because she got the wage withholding from her employer and a hefty chunk of her paycheck will start being garnished for her current support order and the arrears she hasn’t paid a penny on. She owes close to $10,000 at this point. With the adoption, her child support obligation ends. Often the forgiving of any arrears is also thrown in as an incentive. We were holding onto that as our trump card in case she wanted to back out suddenly.

We had always intended to go for involuntarily terminating her rights after a year of no contact with Little Dude and no support payments. That process is longer, harder and much more expensive. So the fact that she has said she will voluntarily relinquish her rights so I can adopt Little Dude…is huge. And something we need to jump on.

Stuart however is angry, very angry toward her. And rightfully so. He is pissed he was hardly ever allowed to have contact with Little Dude, and that BM used him for every cent she could get out of him. He is pissed over the drug exposure she did to Little Dude and her denial of any responsibility for his delays and drug exposure. He is pissed. He was happy that finally a wage withholding was put in place and there is a potential to get a check or two. Since she is on 5 years probation for her felony drug conviction, a condition of her probation is maintaining employment. There is potential for some checks.

She is asking for her arrears to be forgiven. Stuart says NO DEAL. It makes me so angry. And breaks my heart. He is so hung up on making her “pay” for everything. He is determined to get his retribution, that he is potentially screwing me over and my desire to adopt Little Dude. Making him legally my son.
She is a drug addict. She has fried her brain and in her own messed up way, she knows that Little Dude is better off with us than he was with her. She knows. But what parent wants to admit they fail at life and parenting. That they aren’t fit to raise their children? No one. And she sure as hell will never admit that to Stuart. He keeps saying she got away with everything…except she is paying the ultimate price, she is losing her child for good. She is giving up her son. And while I despise her, I know she loves him. But she isn’t healthy for Little Dude.

I am so angry at Stuart right now I can’t even go home. He needs to let go of his vendetta. She is a drug addict who has lost her child, lives in a crappy pay by the week motel, and works part time as a waitress. Her life is far from glamorous. We have already “won”, we have Little Dude.

It causes my heart to ache and my eyes to well up with tears thinking that we are so close to what we have wanted since the beginning. And now Stuart is the obstacle I have to overcome.


Smart Ass Sara said...

I can understand how he is angry. I get that. At the same time, nothing can change the past. Even if she showed up tomorrow with every dime she owes and signed adoption papers it will not get rid of the anger Stuart feels but he doesn't get that. He has to understand that monetary compensation is nothing compared to what he already has. The difficult part is that the road ahead is going to be really hard at best. I mean, eventually- you'll have to contend with Little Dude understanding why his mom couldn't care for him. You and Stuart might know this is best, but if you don't play the cards just right, LD might resent you both because he won't understand and who wants to grow up knowing a parent didn't want you? That's awful. :(

Lin said...

He has every right to be angry but it is time for him to let go. You guys finally have it all, happiness, love, eachother, and that's all that should matter. I know that his anger is probably stopping him from seeing the big picture but hopefully he'll see it soon enough. I'm crossing my fingers for you and the hoping that he'll just let it go and allow you to finally become the lil dude's legal parent.

Maybe it'd be a good idea for him to seek out counseling for his anger towards the situation? Good luck sweets.

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