Talk nerdy to me

I don't talk dirty in bed.

It is not because I am a prude and I am appalled by saying naughty things. Trust me, I can turn almost anything someone says into a sexual innuendo. But I don't talk dirty in bed for the same reason I don't like to speak Spanish...even though I am fluent.

I feel like an idiot. When I have to speak Spanish, I always start out fine, but the longer I speak the more I start to second guess myself and wonder if I conjugated the verb right and did I use the informal address when I should have been using the formal, is my accent understandable, etc etc. And the more I think about it the more flustered I get.

And that is why I don't talk dirty in bed. If I do I wonder: was what I just said sexy? did my voice sound breathless enough or commanding enough? did he like that or is he secretly laughing at me? Oh God, he isn't actually going to laugh out loud at me?! I feel like a complete nerd when I use slang for body parts and vagina and penis just sound too clinical. And there is nothing sexy about Er's and Um's while trying to figure out what to say. I get completely flustered and distracted and that is NOT the point of talking dirty.

So, I simply don't do it. The ohhs and ahhs and breathless moans and pleases, will just have to do, unless you want to be hearing about penises and vaginas, while I stumble over phrases like...oh yeah, uh, um, er, spank me big boy?