Totally Awkward Tuesday and Strip Clubs

I decided to participated in Tova's Totally Awkward Tuesday because, well, I am constantly awkward. Enjoy.

One weekend in college a group of girlfriends and I all decided it would be fun to head to the strip club. In the state of Idaho, if the dancers get completely naked, then alcohol cannot be served and you only had to be 18 to get into the club, SCORE! We were all underage so couldn’t get into the local bars and a road trip sounded like a fabulous idea. The town we lived in was so small that the nearest strip club was located 2 hours north, on the state line between Washington and Idaho, hence the name of the club was “Stateline”. Original, I know.

Driving was Lex and riding shotgun was Hillary. Crammed in the back were Jen, Angie, and yours truly. None of us had been to a strip club before and we giggled the whole way there. It was one of those moments that you just knew you would look back on when remembering college and it would make you smile.

We get to the club, take over some tables and order sodas. We all did our best to be cool and act as if this was something we did all the time; being surrounded by naked women dancing around was an everyday occurrence for us. Pssh, yeah right, I am sure that if it hadn’t been so dark in there you would have seen us all blushing scarlet. But it was a fun adventure and we were having the time of our lives, barely legal and out from under our parents’ thumbs for the first time…we were living!

The club consisted of a main stage and then a satellite stage off to the side. Girls would dance a song or two on the main stage and then make their way over to the satellite stage for dance or two. The “big” money was of course made on the main stage. Some of the pole tricks were fantastic!

The patrons consisted mostly of men, creepy men, a few couples and the ENTIRE Sigma Nu Fraternity from our University. The dancers certainly seemed to enjoy our table of all girls and were at our table at least once a song asking if any of us ladies wanted a lap dance. After several of our faces had been smothered in boobs and several more of us had been groped by the dancers, we became braver. Some of us even ventured up to the stages and gave the girls dancing money, which encouraged more boob smothering and groping by dancers.

Some time passed and I had to pee…all that soda we were drinking, ya know. Lex stated that she did too and Jen decided to tag along (because we all know girls do not go to the bathroom alone). In order to reach the bathroom we had to go down two steps and pass in front of the satellite stage. With Lex in the lead, the three of us headed off to the bathroom.

Lex cleared the steps with no problem, I was right behind her and cleared the first step like a pro, but as I go to step off the second step I feel my boot heel catch, but my momentum is propelling me forward.

OH SWEET JESUS!

I am going down and I am going down hard!

As I begin to fall I catch a glimpse of the stripper who is coming off the satellite stage and is going to walk right in front of me. My first instinct is to latch onto the nearest object and try to break my fall. Except the nearest thing to me is the naked, greased up stripper. Even if I managed to grab her, she would most likely slip right through my grasp; she is so slick from being oiled up. And all I can think to myself is, “DO NOT grab the stripper, you will just take her down with you and that will be even more humiliating. Tripping on the stairs then landing in a tangled mess with a naked stripper crushed beneath you! DON’T DO IT!”

I manage to avoid the stripper and land on all fours in the middle of the floor. I hear Jen behind me gasp in horror then snicker as she tries to not laugh at my very unfortunate mishap. At this point I am hoping the floor will just open up and swallow me whole, but I am just not that lucky.

I lift my head and realize the Sigma Nu boys are all staring at me in utter shock. Apparently they had all decided to watch the dancer on the satellite stage. Fucking awesome.

KILL. ME. NOW.

I hear the snickers from Jen getting louder and realize that I will just have to muster through. Taking a deep breath, I stand up with my face an impossible shade of red, make eye contact with several Sigma Nus and say, “Wooo, that last step is a doozy!” And walk to the bathroom with Jen giggling behind me. Poor Lex missed the whole show because she was in front of me and didn’t realize I had completely biffed it.