Holy scalpel, Batman!

Have you all seen/heard about all the plastic surgery Heidi Montag had done recently?! I think it is sad. She doesn’t even look like her original self. She was beautiful and unique and annoying as fuck, before she ever went under the knife. And now she is full of plastic, from her head to ass cheeks. And can someone please tell me where they found enough fat on her neck, waist, and thighs to perform liposuction?

It is so sad that she felt she needed to have all this surgery just so she would feel beautiful. I am not one to knock cosmetic surgery, I am sure after I have a couple of kids I might be looking into getting the tummy tightened and girls lifted. But I think it should be a crime that the surgeon was even allowed to perform all those surgeries on her and all in one day.

She is so young, only 23. She doesn’t even know what her body and face would look like when she became a real grown up. She has already thrown it away. While I can hardly stand her and I don’t think she should be famous in anyway because she is talentless (and don’t even get me started on that douche bag she married), my heart hurts for how much she must truly dislike herself.

She needs some therapy, not more surgery.

P.S. You all look beautiful today! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, behold your beauty!

Seriously I don't want to be spiderman or woman.

Dood, seriously I almost got eaten by a spider last night. For realz!

There I was, laying in bed when I had to pee. I set my book down, climbed out of bed, and headed to the bathroom.

Now in the bathroom I sit down and pee. Now it's time for toilet paper. I could do this in my sleep, hell I basically have done this in my sleep, in the middle of the night, in the dark. My hand stretches out toward the toilet paper and at the last second I turn my head to see what I am doing. AND THERE IS A FUCKING SPIDER ON THE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER!

*Uh, have I mentioned my GINORMOUS phobia of spiders? Yeah, I got one of those. And somehow someone sometime convinced me to watch Arachnophobia...doesn't help when you are already terrified of the 8 legged freaks. Not cool.

I yank my hand back so fast I hit myself in the nipple (that hurt). A terrified squeal leaves my lips and I sit there frozen, panties around my ankles. What do I do? What do I do? I then spy a roll of paper towels on the bathroom counter. It was a little rougher than I would like ideally, but it did the trick and I was able to get off the toilet without having to drip dry and run for my life.

Now that I am no longer stuck on the toilet and I have put my big girl panties back on I am feeling braver. And that spider isn't going to win and be left to run willy nilly around the house, waiting to attack my unsuspecting ass. GAME ON!

I wad up the biggest wad of paper towels ever and turn toward the toilet paper to wage my battle. I cautiously approach, but my bravado falters and I hesitate with the wad of paper towel hovering above the spider, who hasn't moved the entire time.

As I am hovering, working up the courage to actually squish the spider, the little fucker lifts his butt and jumps at me. JUMPS AT ME! JUMPS!

Fortunately I have lightening quick reflexes and was able to leap (in a single bound) onto the bathtub and to safety, while screaming hysterically.

After what felt like an hour hovered on the tub edge I decide to look for the spider that is now on the floor somewhere. But first I ran into the bedroom and acquired the proper spider killers aka shoes. Armed with flip flops I venture back into the bathroom. It took a little bit but finally I found him. Just sitting there in camo on the tile floor. I know he was just waiting for me to come back and sit on the toilet and he would jump me for real this time. Oh no, I wasn't having none of that!

With a dramatic flourish I squished his spider ass with my shoe.

So, I have a fat pack. It's like the rat pack only not.

Yeah, and I'm not talking about my tummy!

I am the world's lightest sleeper. It takes me forever to fall asleep, the slightest noise will wake me up. I regularly sleep with ear plugs. I hardly ever feel rested in the morning. I drink coffee in the morning to get the caffeine boost to try and make it through the day. I am ALWAYS tired, but I never nap because it only makes it harder for me to fall asleep at night.

Finally, I decided to go have a consultation with the Sleep Disorder Center.

The Dr asks me questions about my sleeping habits, bed time, caffeine and other stimulant use. Then he looks in my throat.

He whips out his little light thingie, I stick my tongue out and say "ahhhhh". Then he asks me if I still have my tonsils. I was a little surprised because my tonsils are not small, I have had other Dr's exclaim, "Wow, those are huge!" Awesome, just what every girl wants to hear, not only do I have be self conscious about the size of my ass, but now I have to worry about my HUGE tonsils!

"Yes. In fact they are rather large from what I have been told. They almost took them out when I was younger because I would always get strep throat." I replied.

"Hmm. Okay let me look again." This time he pulls out the tongue depressor and I open up again and say "Ahhhh"

"Oh yeah, there they are."

We talk some more about possible reasons for my sleep issues, including my asthma, seasonal allergies, blah blah blah.

Then he says he thinks I might have a minor case of sleep apnea, but not to the point where I stop breathing or my oxygen levels actually drop. He says because of my height and weight aka because I am a fatty (but I was happy he didn't call me fat or obese. Kudo points to him) they know I have a fat pack at the back of my throat and that is why he didn't see my tonsils the first time. My fat pack hid them.

Isn't that what every girl wants hear? They have a fat pack in their throat. I didn't realize I needed to be worried about my throat gaining weight!

So anyWAY. I have a fat pack and this narrows my airway from front to back, but I also have GINORMOUS tonsils (he told me I would have been better off if they had removed my tonsils as a child) that narrow my airway from side to side. When I am sleeping I am breathing through a very narrow opening and to top it off I am also very asthmatic.

The Dr. thinks that the reason I am such a light sleeper is because I will take one deep breath and then a bunch of shallow ones and my body is never able to fall into deep sleep. I am always just in the light part of sleep and thus easily awoken and never feel refreshed.

Thanks to my huge tonsils and fat pack - I have a full sleep study scheduled for the 21st. I have to check in at 8pm, they will hook me up to every conceivable probe/electrode, put me in a dark quiet room and tell me to go to sleep. On my back. I am not a back sleeper, ever. It will be interesting to see if I sleep much at all during the study.

**I tried to find a picture of a fat pack, but was unsuccessful. I will try and get one at the Sleep Center.

To tip or not to tip

This post all started with a blizzard...

I believe in tipping. Tip Karma is so important! I believe in tipping for good service. I tip and I tip well and if I feel I have received exceptional service I tip exceptionally well.

People I tip:

*Servers - many servers in many states don't even earn the federal minimum wage and are expected to make up the rest in tips.

*Hair stylist - okay, my hairstylist is marrying my brother soon, but I would tip her anyway. This is the person in charge of making my hair fabulous and she has scissors near my head. Of course I want to show my appreciation for her skill.

*Esthetician (aka waxer)- Anyone coming at me with hot wax, aimed at sensitive areas, whether it's my eyebrows or my girly areas deserves a tip. I don't want to make them angry. EVER!

*Barista - 1. Anyone who is able to talk to me first thing in the morning before I have had any coffee, with a smile on their face deserves a tip. Me + Morning + No Coffee = CRAZY OGRE. 2. They get up WAAAAAY earlier than me, that in itself deserves a tip!

*Food delivery person - Pssh, they are bringing my food TO MY DOOR!

*Bartenders - Hello, they are making my drink, nuf said!

People I don't tip

*Gas attendants (I live in a state where gas is pumped for us) - They are doing their job. They are not going out of their way to be helpful. I am legally not allowed to pump my own gas. They have not gone above and beyond what is expected.

*Fast food worker - They have not come to my table to take my order, they have not delivered my meal to my table, they do not come and check to see how I am doing. I walk up to the counter, place my order and take my tray to my table and then bus my own table. Where in there have they earned a tip?

The other night Mike and I headed to Dairy Queen for blizzards. And we used the drive thru. When we arrived at the window there was a jar on the ledge and it said, "Tips are always appreciated". Wha...? Huh? Seriously? Are they for reals right now? Why do they think what they have done warrants a tip? I didn't even get OUT of my car and all they did was hand me a bag with my order out a WINDOW. The only tip I ever got when I worked the Wendy's Drive Thru was "stay in school or this could be your job indefinitely." Excellent advice by the way.

Like I said, I am all for tipping and tipping well when it is earned and deserved, but there has to be a line. Or eventually we will be tipping for every little thing.

Who do you tip?
Who do you not tip?
And why?

May cause drunk texting

My best friend Jen is getting married 4 weeks from today. So tonight we are celebrating the end of her singledom (okay, she has been part of a happy couple for over 2 and half years, but you know what I mean). As her maid of honor I was responsible for throwing her the most KICK ASS bachelorette party evah! And I think I have succeeded...if I am coherent enough tomorrow I will try to post a recap.

To celebrate Jen, today I have rented out the local skating rink. There will be about 12 of us and we get the rink all to ourselves for two hours. I am sure we will rock out to the raddest 80's songs, some cheesy early 90's. And of course you can't roller skate without doing the Hokey Pokey! While at the rink we will enjoy ice cream cake and cotton candy, okay, the cotton candy is iffy.

After we finish with skating we are heading off to dinner. Mexican food is yummy! There we will down margaritas, see just how red Jen can turn as she opens all the inappropriate porn shop gifts, and get evil glares from other diners because we are giggling so obnoxiously. It will be great.

When dinner is finished and we have all fully embraced the fun and festive ambiance, we will all head over to our friends, Amber & Beth's house where we will freshen up for a night on the town.

One of my co-workers also moonlights as a limo driver so he hooked me up with a sweet deal and is going to drive us around town to all the bars in this bad boy:





Martine assured me that he would have the limo FULLY LOADED, champagne toasts here we come. We are going to paint this town as red as Jen's face.

I am so excited! I hope you all have just as fabulous a day as I am anticipating.

P.S. The photo of the limo was taken in the city where I live. I live in such a beautiful State. It is just a short 10 minute drive for me to get to that exact location. Isn't that view gorgeous?!

He's a dog and hates reading

So I guess my dog Jackie is mad at me because he was left home all day. I was out with my best friend Jen today running errands for her wedding. And then we practiced making bouquets and put together her center pieces. It was an all day adventure. I headed out about 11am and came home to feed the dogs and let them out around 6:30pm, then headed back to Jen's about 7:15pm. This isn't a completely unusual time period for the dogs to be home unsupervised. Well, apparently today Jackie took exception. This is what I came home to tonight at about 11pm.


They don't even look the slightest bit apologetic. Bastards!


Jackie did not care for reproductive advice...maybe because he's neutered. This book used to be 'Pathways to Pregnancy and Parturition'. (I have an Animal Science Degree, I was gonna go to vet school and animal husbandry was a required course and I have always found genetics and reproduction fascinating.)

Jackie also destroyed Animal Breeding and two other books about horses.

I was so mad I was in tears. I called both Jen and Mike in tears just to tell someone else how upset I was. And the worst part...even though I wanted to yell at Jackie, I knew he wouldn't understand why he was being yelled at. And it's not like you can explain to the dog why what they did was wrong. But I scolded anyway.

I think Jackie is also mad because Mike has been gone since Wednesday. So all his people were gone today. Now Jackie is going back to his crate training...boo. I also know it was Jackie because I have seen him pull down a book before (not since last Sept, thought he had grown out of this bad habit) and before we got Jackie, my books were never in danger. Shadow had no interest in them. He just wants any food that may have been left out.

*Sigh* Ok, I am off to blow my nose, wash my face, and pet my dog and let him know he is still loved.

Toilet bandit strikes again. Okay it's not really a bandit, but I liked the ring of that better than "Office Trannie is Back". I guess either works

Okay, first, this is completely unrelated to the toilet incident, but yesterday was my birthday. I had to go testify before the grand jury for work and I had never done that before. It was really interesting. AND I got a cruiser bike! I am so excited. Isn't it purdy!



All I need now is a basket and a bell.

Now back to the toilet. Remember how I mentioned someone has been leaving the toilet seat up at work in the women's bathroom? Well since then I have been trying to capture it in a photo for all of you, as any die hard blogger would do. Without further ado I present the toilet mystery:



What the hell?! I just don't get it. It was mentioned that perhaps someone is vomiting in the toilet, but wouldn't they want to get rid of any evidence indicating that they were purging? Therefore putting the seat down? Also, there is the toilet seat tissue paper thingy in the toilet too. Or if they are wiping the seat down because water splashes up after flushing (it can be a pretty powerful whoosh), then why isn't there just a little wad of toilet paper in there instead of the toilet paper and seat cover.

We know who is doing it, we just don't know why. I am also pretty sure she is not a trannie (but with the work done these days it can be hard to tell). She is married, I know it doesn't mean she wasn't a dude at some point, but she has told me that her and her husband are trying to get pregnant...pretty sure going boy to girl does not enable a person to get knocked up. I mean there is that one guy over in Bend who went from girl to boy and is pregnant for the second time, but he was born with the right girl parts for that. And besides, he lives in Bend Oregon and I am in Western Oregon.

I am thinking of posting this picture on the door to the bathroom with a note that either says, "Why are you leaving the seat up? We don't want to fall in and we are wicked curious as to why you have this strange quirk." or "WTF?! Put the seat down, this is the women's restroom. We shouldn't have to worry about falling in!"

What's that smell?

I am home sick today :( The past few days I have just been feeling off and not very well. I ended up leaving work early yesterday and sleeping all afternoon. And today I decided to not even go into work.

Being sick blows. You aren't at work but you can't really do anything exciting or fun because you don't feel well and lack the motivation and energy to do anything.

I was sitting here, reading blogs and checking email and yelling at my dogs who wouldn't stop barking and I kept getting whiffs of this smell. I kept trying to figure out where it was coming from...did I need to wash the blankets on the couch, did I need to wash my dog who was curled up next to me? Then I realized what smelled, it was ME!

Since I have been sick I didn't shower yesterday and then I hadn't showered today either. Also I had been running a slight fever and once it broke I was all sweaty. It is never fun to realize that the unpleasant odor you are detecting is actually coming from yourself!

Needless to say, I have showered now and no longer stink, but I still feel crappy.

No Boys Allowed

Today was just a normal Tuesday at work. Like any other Tuesday. I have my coffee, a coworker has already annoyed me in the first 20 minutes I have been at work, I start to surf the internet, er, I mean start to work on overpayments.

After lunch I head to the bathroom. The women's bathroom. There are 3 stalls, one is a large handicap stall and two regular stalls. The handicap stall was occupied so I chose the one closest to the door. That left a stall between us. I am weird like that okay. If no one else is in the bathroom I will always choose the middle stall, but I don't like to be right next to the other stalls if they are occupied if I can help. Yeah, yeah, I know, weird.

Anywasted, I walk into the stall and what do I see...the toilet with the seat raised. Huh? And there is toilet paper in the toilet. Double huh? It's not first thing in the morning when the toilet seats are sometimes raised after the janitor cleaned them. Whatever, I flush the toilet, do my business, flush again, wash my hands and leave.

Once back at my desk I don't think anymore about it. A few hours later my friend SS stops by my desk and tells me that for the second time that day she has gone into the bathroom and discovered the toilet seat raised with toilet paper in the toilet. I'm all, "DUUUUUDE me too!" And she's all "What? No way!" and I'm like, "No seriously. And I thought it was strange when it happened to me and now I think it is even weirder." SS looks at me and says, all while laughing, "Thank God it's not just me!"

Then we brainstrom trying to figure out why the toilet in the ladies room is raised. Is there an office gnome who just can't quite make it to the men's bathroom and thinks it's amusing to try and catch the ladies in the office unaware? Is there a transgender in the office? Because if there is I am totally cool with that, but come on, you are using the ladies bathroom, please put the seat back down!

Later, when discussing this mystery with Jen, she informed me that it was a certain someone in the office and other people in the office have experienced it as well. We are not sure why she does this.

Any ideas? Is she cleaning the toilet after she finishes? Is she that crazy of a pee-er? I mean really...how hard is it make it in the toilet? Do I even want to know what kind of craziness goes on in there when she uses the bathroom?

Or maybe she has boy parts we don't know about. I really don't care, JUST PUT THE SEAT DOWN AND FLUSH THE TOILET PAPER!

Imaginary friends are cool and all

Do you ever have conversations with yourself? In your head? And then wonder if it was all really only in your head or if you said somethings out loud?

Yeah, me too.

I often dictate emails or responses to IMs in my head before I actually write it out. I will play out whole conversations in my mind. Usually the conversations in real life don't come close to what I imagined. Now usually, all this takes place in my mind and not out loud where anyone can hear me and conclude that I am insane. But every once in awhile I wonder...

Today I was composing an email to this guy Kyle. I trying out different phrasing and what all I wanted to say. I hadn't actually sat down at the computer to type it out. I was still working out the kinks in my mind first.

While doing this I realized I had to pee.

I head into the bathroom at work go into a stall and do my thing. The whole time I am composing my email. I come out of the stall and start washing my hands and I realize that I am not alone in the bathroom. One of the other stalls is also occupied.

Great!

I start to replay everything in the last few minutes and try to determine if I said anything out loud. I am still not convinced that the whole thing only happened in my mind.

It is quite possible that my co-worker now believes I have an imaginary friend named Kyle.

You might be a douchebag...

if...

*You pull out in front of me on the street and cause me to slow way down and THERE IS NO ONE BEHIND ME! Asshole.

*You get into the passing lane and DON'T FUCKING PASS the car in the other lane. Asshole.

*You refuse to drive the EFFING SPEED LIMIT. Asshole.

*You throw a fit at the cash register because your Subway sandwich wasn't one of the $5 footlongs and you want the deal anyway. You picked the sandwich and failed to look at the menu board. Idiot.

*You talk to me like I am idiot while I am trying to buy golf clubs and don't know what I am doing and have actually asked you questions...SINCE IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB!

*You deliberately park in more than one space so no one else can park too close and scratch you car. This makes me want to key your car!

*You drive a huge truck and insist on parking face out. And in the process manage to hold up the rest of us.

There are many many more ways someone might be a douchebag. These all happened today or in the not too distant past. Please add to my list below.

Do they make pull-ups for 27 yr olds?

I almost wet the bed this morning. No, seriously. I am almost 28 for crying out loud! Besides I was never the bed wetting kid. I was completely potty trained at 1.5, that's the only reason they let me into the preschool before I was 2. My mom and I were on a site visit and as the owner was showing us around I turned to them both and said, "I have to go potty." The lady was so impressed she allowed me to start before I turned 2...BECAUSE I WAS EFFING POTTY TRAINED!

I have been feeling less than 100% the last week or so and this morning I just couldn't do the whole "Get up and go to work all day" thing. The alarm went off and I told Mike I just couldn't go to work today. My whole body ached and my throat was scratchy. I remember thinking, I need to pee, I'll get up in a minute. Then Mike left.

The house got quiet and the dogs settled back down and I passed out again. Several hours later I remember dreaming and in my dream I was searching for a bathroom at this party I was attending. I was searching everywhere for a bathroom and finally I found one. I felt immense relief in my dream.

I headed into the bathroom, pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet and started to do my thang. I remember thinking in my dream, "Why does that door look like particle board?" When suddenly my consciousness kicked in and was all, "WHAT THE HELL?!" I wasn't in a bathroom! I was still in bed.

I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I made it, but just barely. But seriously a few seconds longer and I would be washing some bedsheets today. Not cool. Not cool at all!

So...what you're saying is...you want a blizzard

As I sat watching the end of the news, I decided that I wanted a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. My intent was to just make a quick trip to Dairy Queen and be back in time to watch Jeopardy. Instead, actually making it out the door took longer than the drive to Dairy Queen and back. Jeopardy had already started by the time I got back.

Me: Hey, Mike, where is the closest Dairy Queen?
Mike: Why do you want to go to Dairy Queen?
Me: Because I want a blizzard.
Mike: Oh. Goes back to playing WoW
Me: still looks at him expectantly…nothing

Me (several minutes later): screw this; I will look it up myself (mumbled to myself)

Several more minutes pass as I search online for the nearest Dairy Queen.

Me: Hey, I am going to Dairy Queen.
Mike: What? Why?
Me: Beeecause, I WANT a blizzard (didn’t we just have this conversation?)
Mike: Oh. Well, I kind of wanted to go with you.
Me: Yeah, that’s not really possible because you are playing your game.
Mike: Yeah. Goes back to playing WoW
Me: looks at Mike thinking, HELLO!
Me: So, do you want anything?
Mike: Oh, yeah, I think I want their #1 blah blah blah…are you getting a meal?
Me: Nooo, I want a blizzard (again, didn’t we just have this conversation?)
Mike: Alright, then I will just get a blizzard.
Me: What kind of blizzard?
Mike: Hmm, Reese’s Peanut Butter or maybe….thinking
Me: raises eyebrow and tries to wait patiently
Mike: I think I want a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and Mint Oreo.
Me: Those are two different blizzards.
Mike: Can’t you mix them?
Me: Um…no.
Mike: Well, what kind are you getting?
Me: I am not sure yet, but I am thinking of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
Mike: I don’t trust the look on his face: Well what if you get that one and I get the mint oreo one and we trade off?
Me: Well I am not sure if that is the blizzard I want, I wanted to look and see what other kinds there where when I got there. And I think they have a new one I might want to try.
Mike: Alright, just get me a Reese’s Peanut Butter one.
Me: Okay, sounds good. I will be back. Grabs purse and keys and leaves quickly.

30 minutes after I started this conversation I was home and had my blizzard.

Totally Awkward Tuesday and Strip Clubs

I decided to participated in Tova's Totally Awkward Tuesday because, well, I am constantly awkward. Enjoy.

One weekend in college a group of girlfriends and I all decided it would be fun to head to the strip club. In the state of Idaho, if the dancers get completely naked, then alcohol cannot be served and you only had to be 18 to get into the club, SCORE! We were all underage so couldn’t get into the local bars and a road trip sounded like a fabulous idea. The town we lived in was so small that the nearest strip club was located 2 hours north, on the state line between Washington and Idaho, hence the name of the club was “Stateline”. Original, I know.

Driving was Lex and riding shotgun was Hillary. Crammed in the back were Jen, Angie, and yours truly. None of us had been to a strip club before and we giggled the whole way there. It was one of those moments that you just knew you would look back on when remembering college and it would make you smile.

We get to the club, take over some tables and order sodas. We all did our best to be cool and act as if this was something we did all the time; being surrounded by naked women dancing around was an everyday occurrence for us. Pssh, yeah right, I am sure that if it hadn’t been so dark in there you would have seen us all blushing scarlet. But it was a fun adventure and we were having the time of our lives, barely legal and out from under our parents’ thumbs for the first time…we were living!

The club consisted of a main stage and then a satellite stage off to the side. Girls would dance a song or two on the main stage and then make their way over to the satellite stage for dance or two. The “big” money was of course made on the main stage. Some of the pole tricks were fantastic!

The patrons consisted mostly of men, creepy men, a few couples and the ENTIRE Sigma Nu Fraternity from our University. The dancers certainly seemed to enjoy our table of all girls and were at our table at least once a song asking if any of us ladies wanted a lap dance. After several of our faces had been smothered in boobs and several more of us had been groped by the dancers, we became braver. Some of us even ventured up to the stages and gave the girls dancing money, which encouraged more boob smothering and groping by dancers.

Some time passed and I had to pee…all that soda we were drinking, ya know. Lex stated that she did too and Jen decided to tag along (because we all know girls do not go to the bathroom alone). In order to reach the bathroom we had to go down two steps and pass in front of the satellite stage. With Lex in the lead, the three of us headed off to the bathroom.

Lex cleared the steps with no problem, I was right behind her and cleared the first step like a pro, but as I go to step off the second step I feel my boot heel catch, but my momentum is propelling me forward.

OH SWEET JESUS!

I am going down and I am going down hard!

As I begin to fall I catch a glimpse of the stripper who is coming off the satellite stage and is going to walk right in front of me. My first instinct is to latch onto the nearest object and try to break my fall. Except the nearest thing to me is the naked, greased up stripper. Even if I managed to grab her, she would most likely slip right through my grasp; she is so slick from being oiled up. And all I can think to myself is, “DO NOT grab the stripper, you will just take her down with you and that will be even more humiliating. Tripping on the stairs then landing in a tangled mess with a naked stripper crushed beneath you! DON’T DO IT!”

I manage to avoid the stripper and land on all fours in the middle of the floor. I hear Jen behind me gasp in horror then snicker as she tries to not laugh at my very unfortunate mishap. At this point I am hoping the floor will just open up and swallow me whole, but I am just not that lucky.

I lift my head and realize the Sigma Nu boys are all staring at me in utter shock. Apparently they had all decided to watch the dancer on the satellite stage. Fucking awesome.

KILL. ME. NOW.

I hear the snickers from Jen getting louder and realize that I will just have to muster through. Taking a deep breath, I stand up with my face an impossible shade of red, make eye contact with several Sigma Nus and say, “Wooo, that last step is a doozy!” And walk to the bathroom with Jen giggling behind me. Poor Lex missed the whole show because she was in front of me and didn’t realize I had completely biffed it.

Karma is a bigger bitch than I could ever be.

Mailing a package you have been meaning to mail for months: $11.06

Buying new tires for your car: $599.00

Seeing the whore's, who fucked your boyfriend, car completely smashed up one year to the day of catching them in the act: PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karma, gotta love her!

As I drove to Les Schwab to get new tires I glanced down the street where Whoreface works (okay, okay, I glance down this street every time I drive by it, which would be everyday whenever I go ANYWHERE). And what do I see? I see a police car with its lights flashing and two cars parked on the side of the road where I know Whoreface parks everyday for work, and a gaggle of people standing around.

Apparently a guy in a big truck somehow smashed into the back of the Mazda3 hatchback and hit it with such force that the back window completely shattered and shove that car into the back of Whoreface's precious Acura RSX (can someone please explain to me why the smallest cars are always driven by the fattest people? I mean really, I'm fat and I know I shouldn't be trying to stuff my big booty into a teeny tiny sportscar).

I drop my car off at Les Schwab to get new tires, hop into Mike's Xterra and tell him about the police cars. I convince him to circle the parking lot twice to try and get a better view of the damage without being noticed by the troll aka Whoreface. I was just barely able to make out that the Mazda had in fact hit her car.

Then as we were leaving the parking lot we had to drive by the do it yourself carwash. There are 3 police cars there, all blocking in the aforementioned truck. His bumper was all mangled and had fallen off and he was in the process of being arrested. He did not chose his "hiding" place very well.

I chuckled every time I thought about it. Well an hour goes by and Les Schwab calls to tell me my car is finished. Mike and I head over to pick it up and decide to come the back way and drive down the street Whoreface just happens to work on and just happens to be where her car was hit...At this point everyone has gone back inside, the police cars have left and the totaled Mazda has been towed away, but there is Whoreface's car. The back end all smashed in, her vanity plate (DVN MSM, barf!) all crumpled and hanging off. AH HA HA HA HA! After Mike drops me off and I pay for my new tires I decide to drive by one more time, I just want one more good laugh and that is when I see the flatbed tow truck. Her car was hit so hard it had to be TOWED!

So to fully understand my sheer utter delirium over this tragic event, there is some background info regarding my relationship with Mike.

Our road has not always been smooth and easy. We have hit some serious potholes and gone the wrong way on a one way street. When we first started dating neither of us was really looking for anything serious, we just wanted someone fun to hang out with and have a good time with. In fact we were both dating other people as well. Cool, whatever, neither of us had made a commitment to the other one.

Right before Christmas I told him I was interested in seeing only him and him only seeing me. I knew about Whoreface and I was getting ready to end things with the other guy I was seeing. Well mid January rolls around and I ask Mike about everything and he tells me he has thought about it and wants to just date me too and is going to break things off with Whoreface. Well it turns out this wasn't quite the case.

February rolls around and I am just not feeling good vibes about Mike and Whoreface and them really being "over". Something was just off. One night I turn to my best friend and roommate at the time and tell her something is wrong and I just have to go Mike's, it's almost 11pm on a work night. The whole way over I am praying I am just crazy and making myself paranoid, but I turn the corner and there is Whoreface's car in the driveway. It was a crushing blow. After talking to Jen I calm down enough to call Mike, I left a few choice words on his voicemail. He eventually calls me back and after a long emotional conversation he finally admits to sleeping with her.

I am not one of those women who only blames the other woman. Mike is grown adult and just as much, if not more so, at fault for what happened. And I know Mike was lying to her about his relationship with me so I blame him for this incident. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

Whoreface and I talked and cleared some things up between the two of us and what was really going on. She said some hurtful things to me and I landed some low blows of my own and eventually we both realized Mike was the real asshole in the equation.

Drama drama drama...I end things with Mike.

Some time passes and Mike and I start talking again and decide to give it another try and we both make it clear from the beginning this time that we are only seeing each other. This is when Whoreface becomes Whoreface. Oh and I feel it is important to say that Mike feels the need to be friends with everyone he has ever slept with or at least be on semi decent terms with everyone, great, fine, whatever, sometimes you just have to cut people out, unless you are Mr. Nice Guy Who Wants Everyone To Like Me Mike. This also means that Mike won't simply tell Whoreface to FUCK OFF.

She now knows that Mike and I are back on and this is when the sneaky manipulative girl that lives in all of us rears her ugly head. She starts to send him text messages...all while she is drunk of course and "I can't remember what I did last night" or she sends him links in his email that she "just knew he would think were hilarious". When he responds to these and engages her, she takes these as signs of encouragement. She starts talking to him more regularly on IM and is quite flirty and Mike being Mike is flirty back. She starts to send more and more inappropriate texts "my boobs miss you" and actual photos of her boobs (of course she claims to not remember sending these because she was drinking...bitch please, we all know your game, well everyone except the gullible guy who naively thinks he is smarter and sneakier and trickier than women). The last straw for me was when she sent him a whole crapload of racy photos of herself in lingerie she had professionally done...it is also important to keep in mind that she is maybe 5'2" on a tall day and pushing easily 275 lbs, she ain't a little girl.

Mike and I had several all out fights regarding her and his continued engagement and communication with her. Finally he simply stopped responding to her texts and emails and IMs and surprise surprise we haven't heard from her in awhile. And to give Mike credit, he really did shape up when we decided to give it another try, he does his best to reassure me and not add to my insecurities. We now live together and he tells me he loves everyday. I believe he is committed to me and this relationship, hell, he is introducing me to his mother tomorrow (gulp). He messed up and he messed up big time and he knows this. He also knows that this is his one big mistake, he doesn't get more do overs. And Whoreface is just a sore loser, she did all of that because she didn't win and if she couldn't be happy then she would try and make everyone else miserable too.

So, today on the one year anniversary (it is a curse at times to remember numbers and dates so well) of catching Mike and Whoreface, it gaves me immense joy to see her precious car all smashed up.

Thank you, Karma, you are the biggest bitch around. And I swear, I always return my cart at the grocery store!

Furloughs can blow me!

Furlough = mandatory leave without pay

It is almost 11am and I am at work, but instead of actually working I am writing a blog about how much I don't enjoy working and how I dislike even more, the current state of affairs regarding contract negotiations.

I work in social services, a demanding, emotionally draining, time consuming, thankless job. I was already a jaded and cynical person (maybe because I was raised by parents who have spent their whole lives working in social services too) and now, coming up on the 3.5 year mark of employment with the state in social services I find that I am even MORE jaded and cynical about people and the world and I am only 27. Who knew it was even possible to be more cynical than I already was.

Granted, there are moments in social service which, are quite comical. Once a woman tried to hand me a used pregnancy test as verification that her daughter was pregnant. She just whipped it out of her purse and thrust it in my face, demanding I take it. Um, yeah, that isn't going to work for me. I don't know who the hell peed on that, that little stick will not fit in your file, and lastly...SOMEONE PEED ON THAT!

I have had a guy arrange the letter magnets on my filing cabinet (which I had so children had something to do while I spoke with their parents) to spell out "Call me you are cute". Really? Really? You have just told me your life story, I know all about your baby mama drama, the STD issue you are dealing with and the reason why you are applying for medical and frankly, if you can't afford food, you sure as hell can't afford to date me!

I have had one of the "regulars" aka one of the homeless in the area who would often come into the office and hang out in the lobby to get out of the rain, ask me if I would marry him. He was drunk off his ass, who even knows the last time he bathed, and all his worldly possessions where in the trashbag he lugged around with him. It was my first marriage proposal and I was quite touched. Unfortunately I had to turn him down. He then asked if he could at least just come home with me, to which I replied, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to bring strays home." His name was Richard. He let out a big belly laugh, sang me a quick song and then asked the woman working next to me if she would marry him.

Another time a co-worker had a client in her cubicle, but realized she needed to make a photocopy of his ID and social security card. She told him she would be right back and went to make a quick copy. When she returned to her desk, there he was sitting in the chair...MASTURBATING! Yeah, you heard right, masturbating. Who the FUCK does that! Who?! When she demanded he leave he said, "Wait, I'm not done." WHAT. THE. FUCK! He was quickly removed from the office, but still I would have had to take the rest of the day off, maybe even the week while my desk and work space were sterilized. And I firmly believe she should have received hazard pay.

But recently the laughs have become fewer and much farther between. We are currently in a hiring freeze and are down multiple workers. Our workloads have at least doubled due to the ecomony and the level of unemployment. There simply are not enough hours in the work week to meet the demands of the public. We are drowning. Workers are at the breaking point. And now our contract is coming due in July.

Negotiations are not pretty.

As state workers we have already conceeded to lower wages than the standard for our type of work in order to keep fully covered employer healthcare (as social service workers we have all seen medical bills completely ruin those who are un/underinsured). Part of that deal was that our healthcare was not up for negotiation. We have just been informed that everything, including our healthcare, is on the table for the upcoming bienium.

The current proposal offered by the State is this:

No cost of living increases
*So with inflation, I will be doing the same job for less money every year...and in all reality I will probably be expected to do even more than I am currently.

They want to take back the 10th Step increase that was allocated last time the contract was negotiated
*Anyone who received this step increase within the last two years will have it revoked and take a pay cut

Freeze all current step increases
*So in addition to not giving me a cost of living increase you are also going to take away my annual step increase of 5% (well that is if I haven't already maxed out at the 9th step). This also means that in addition to not receiving any step increase within the next two years, I would have to wait another full year almost for my hire date to roll around so I could receive the step increase. Three years without any increase in pay, not even a cost of living adjustment. But every year the minimum wage will increase and soon could surpass my monthly salary. We have already done step increase freezes and people are still trying to recupe from the last one.

And last but not least...Furloughs, the new F word. They want us to take 26 furlough days over the next 2 years, including 15 unpaid holidays and 11 other unpaid furlough days.
*This breaks down to 13 days a year, that is 2.5 work weeks without pay. We are already struggling to manage the demand we have now for social services and you want to force people to not work for 2.5 weeks? How is that going to work?

They are going to get their furloughs if they keep pushing. They are going to get them in the form of a picket line and that is the most terrifying thing of all. Who can really afford to strike?

It all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth (ok, not at this exact moment because I have a thin mint in my mouth, it's called "stess eating", but in general). This leaves all the workers who are on the front line, who see the people in desparate situations and hear their stories and know the feeble assistance they offer is not going to be enough, feeling unappreciated. We are not valued.

It increases the burnout rate and dissatisfaction of employees. It is why I am writing a blog instead of working. It is why I drink massive amounts of coffee everyday to counteract the lack of sleep I got the night before because I am so stressed I can't even relax enough for sleep. It leads to stress eating and self medicating with alcohol (and food in my case) and irritability at home with family.

I expect to be called every name in the book in the course of my job. I know I make people angry and I know I have to ask uncomfortable questions. I get it, a lot of the time I don't even blame people for calling me a bitch (or much worse). To them I am the icing on their shitty life cake and since I am there when they reach their last straw, I am the one who bears the brunt of their anger and frustration. But to be shit on by those who are supposed to support us...that is straw that is breaking this camel's back.