Thursday, July 30, 2009

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

I have found myself close to tears almost everyday for the last week. The smallest thing can make me just want to burst into tears. I have even cried myself to sleep several nights in a row.

Everything is changing and I don't do change well. I am closing on my house August 24th and that means I will be moving out of my boyfriend's house. I will be living on my own for the first time ever. I will be a home owner and that is just terrifying.

My boyfriend and I have reached a crossroads in our relationship. At this point he should be able to tell me if he sees us getting married one day or if he wants children one day. And he can't. That hurts. But I know I don't have to convince anyone to marry me. One day I will find someone who thinks the sun shines out of my ass. I know that once I move out we most likely won't be together much longer.

But I still want him to act like he is going to miss me for more than the rent money I paid him. I want to feel like I was important to him and that he enjoyed our time living together. I want to know I mattered to him and I can't just be replaced easy breezy. While I know he will miss me and I know he loves me as much as he is able, he doesn't really say much about me leaving. Does it mean he doesn't care? Does it mean he wants pretend it's not really happening because he doesn't want to deal with his feelings? I don't know.

I am also trying to get a new job. I am stagnating in my current position. I dread going in to work most days because I get so bored. I really want this new position. But I am so shy around new people and interviewing is not my strong suit. I get so flustered. I can do this job and I can do it very very well. The key is getting the position. I want it so badly!

On top of that our union has renegotiated our contract. We are not getting any cost of living adjustment, our step increases have been frozen for the coming year, and to top it all off we are going to have to take furloughs (mandatory unpaid days off). Because of my income level I will be required to take 12 furloughs. I am only $14 away from having to take 14. Learning I am going to be taking about a 5% pay cut right as I am getting ready to take on the responsibility of a home owner makes me break out into a panicked sweat.

Everything is changing and changing fast for me. I am trying to take it all in stride, but part of that stride apparently is me crying my way through.

7 comments:

Iva said...

oh my. I am really sorry. This is a lot to deal with. I dont know really know exactly what to say. Maybe your boyfriend, isn't dealing well with you moving out. Some times guys have a hard time expressing themselves fully. Maybe it is not that he does not want to marry you, or not having children with you. Maybe he isn't thinking clearly? I am not sure. So sorry, it is hard for me to give advise without knowing the full story, so please dont take this as advise. I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe try sitting down with him and having a good talk and seeing what he is think? Maybe you moving out will be good. Maybe he'll need that to see things differently...I am not sure...I do believe though you have to do what is best for you. This is a huge step getting your own place, its a great step, you should be so very proud of yourself. I am sorry about your job, but you are doing the right thing trying to get a new position. Do not worry about the interview. You will do great. I am also sorry about having to take days off....but you have a job, a new place, and you are going to be just fine. Much more then fine :)

Elizabeth Marie said...

Oh hun. I hate when everything comes crashing down at once. Try to take a deep breath, and attack one thing at a time-I know easier said than done. Change is so scary, but it can be so rewarding too...I'm here if you ever need to talk...

And crying is ok.

Sunshinemeg said...

Those are some HUGE changes. No wonder you are crying a lot. When it rains it pours, and honey it is pouring. So dry those tears - get your umbrella and get through this. You are a home owner sister!

Ali said...

It's such a rough time. As for the boy...

I was with a guy who had a VERY hard time showing and expressing his feelings. It's very rough, but know that you deserve what YOU want.

Hang in there, we're here to listen!

Gabby said...

Wow. You're dealing with SO much right now. When it rains, it pours, huh? I can't believe you're gonna be a homeowner! That is so awesome and you should be so proud of that.

I am single (and while I'm not wishing the end of your relationship for you) and there is always hope. We all deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from our every orifice. haha :)

Blaez said...

i have to wonder why you two didn't buy together or why you are moving out anyways... if your happy together and want to be together i dont see why you are moving... and maybe he might not either and that's why he is being reclusive in talking about it...

good luck with everything! i am on the verge of tears myself but for other reasons...

Kristen Sara said...

So there's that cliche saying, "God never gives us more than we can handle..." and yet when I've been in a spot like you're in now, all I can say is "I sure wish God didn't think I had such big shoulders." Reading your post, I felt like I was reading about myself (at one point in my life). It won't make it any easier, but what your gut is telling you is right. You shouldn't have to convince anyone to want to be with you. And just because he can't tell you what you want to hear right now doesn't mean he doesn't love you like crazy. He could be a great guy, and that doesn't have to change after you move out... but sometimes great people aren't the right great people for us. Hang in there... someday, all of this will make sense. And in the meantime, don't forget the amazing person you are and make it your goal to be with someone who knows just what they have when they have you.

 
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