Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Seriously I don't want to be spiderman or woman.

Dood, seriously I almost got eaten by a spider last night. For realz!

There I was, laying in bed when I had to pee. I set my book down, climbed out of bed, and headed to the bathroom.

Now in the bathroom I sit down and pee. Now it's time for toilet paper. I could do this in my sleep, hell I basically have done this in my sleep, in the middle of the night, in the dark. My hand stretches out toward the toilet paper and at the last second I turn my head to see what I am doing. AND THERE IS A FUCKING SPIDER ON THE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER!

*Uh, have I mentioned my GINORMOUS phobia of spiders? Yeah, I got one of those. And somehow someone sometime convinced me to watch Arachnophobia...doesn't help when you are already terrified of the 8 legged freaks. Not cool.

I yank my hand back so fast I hit myself in the nipple (that hurt). A terrified squeal leaves my lips and I sit there frozen, panties around my ankles. What do I do? What do I do? I then spy a roll of paper towels on the bathroom counter. It was a little rougher than I would like ideally, but it did the trick and I was able to get off the toilet without having to drip dry and run for my life.

Now that I am no longer stuck on the toilet and I have put my big girl panties back on I am feeling braver. And that spider isn't going to win and be left to run willy nilly around the house, waiting to attack my unsuspecting ass. GAME ON!

I wad up the biggest wad of paper towels ever and turn toward the toilet paper to wage my battle. I cautiously approach, but my bravado falters and I hesitate with the wad of paper towel hovering above the spider, who hasn't moved the entire time.

As I am hovering, working up the courage to actually squish the spider, the little fucker lifts his butt and jumps at me. JUMPS AT ME! JUMPS!

Fortunately I have lightening quick reflexes and was able to leap (in a single bound) onto the bathtub and to safety, while screaming hysterically.

After what felt like an hour hovered on the tub edge I decide to look for the spider that is now on the floor somewhere. But first I ran into the bedroom and acquired the proper spider killers aka shoes. Armed with flip flops I venture back into the bathroom. It took a little bit but finally I found him. Just sitting there in camo on the tile floor. I know he was just waiting for me to come back and sit on the toilet and he would jump me for real this time. Oh no, I wasn't having none of that!

With a dramatic flourish I squished his spider ass with my shoe.


Anonymous said...

Haha, sorry to laugh at your misfortune. That is terrible because then you feel like they are all over you, all night! Yikes.

Ali said...

Spiders scare me, no matter how big or small they are.

MY phobia began in a bathroom as well! I was in the shower and was shampooing my hair when all of a sudden, a spider landed from the corner of the shower and onto my shoulder.

Enough said? Yeah. I know you get it.

Gabby said...

I can't do spiders either...like I need to pop a Xan before I can think about killing one. Sorry about your ordeal!

Blaez said...

i cant do spiders either... horrible creatures!

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

I find spiders fascinating but don't want them in my house either. That was so funny it jumped at you--I didn't know they could actually jump. He was certainly a brave dude! Stepping on them is definitely the best way to kill those things. He deserved to die for scaring you like that!

Visiting from SITS. Merry Christmas!

itsybitsyknitsy said...

IT JUMPED AT YOU!?!!? omg - i would die.
Dropping by from SITS!!!

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